In a blow to the self-esteem of every man who has ever felt inadequate next to a taller, richer, slightly more orange rival, Elon Musk’s SpaceX has officially surpassed Amazon in market capitalisation, making it the fifth most valuable company on Earth. This is a planet that Musk himself has described as “a bit rubbish” and is actively trying to escape.
The news broke as Jeff Bezos was reportedly seen weeping into a pile of unsold copies of his biography, muttering about the sheer audacity of a man who sells flamethrowers and tunnels for cars being taken more seriously than the man who delivers your loo roll by drone.
SpaceX, a company that has mastered the art of landing rockets on a barge in the ocean (which is far more impressive than Amazon’s ability to land a parcel on your doorstep without it being stolen by a neighbour), is now worth a staggering sum that makes the GDP of small nations look like pocket change. It is a valuation based not on profits, but on dreams, hubris, and the sheer, unadulterated chutzpah of a man who names his children after aircraft parts.
Meanwhile, Amazon has been quietly adding adverts to Prime Video and suggesting that perhaps you don’t actually need next-day delivery on a single AA battery. This is what happens when you stop innovating and start optimisting. You get overtaken by a company whose primary product is a giant metal phallus that goes “boom” in a very satisfying way.
The reaction from the Twitterati was predictably ballistic. “This is a victory for science!” cried the Musk stans, while the Bezos brigade countered with “But what about the workers’ rights?” to which everyone agreed that both companies treat their employees like replaceable components in a vast, uncaring machine. A draw, then.
In an exclusive interview with this reporter (who was disguised as a pot plant outside the SpaceX headquarters), a mid-level engineer summed it up perfectly: “We build rockets. They build warehouses. We go to space. They go to court over tax avoidance. We have a car in space. They have a TV show about rings of power. You tell me who’s winning.”
The stock market, of course, is a fickle mistress. By the time you read this, Amazon might have released a new kind of cardboard box and regained the lead. Or Musk might have announced that he’s buying the moon and turning it into a massive advert for Tesla. Nothing would surprise us anymore.
One thing is certain: the battle of the billionaires is far from over. Bezos will be back, probably with a new rocket of his own, or a plan to drone-deliver people to Mars. And Musk will continue to do what he does best: say outrageous things, launch expensive metal tubes into the sky, and somehow make it all look like the most sensible thing in the world.
As for the rest of us, we’ll be here, scrolling through the app that Musk is trying to buy, ordering things from the site Bezos built, and wondering when exactly we became the supporting cast in the world’s most expensive soap opera.
