In a landmark ruling that has sent shivers of relief through the corridors of international kleptocracy, former Nigerian oil minister Diezani Alison-Madueke has been told she is too expensive to jail. The British courts, in their infinite wisdom and impeccable tailoring, have decided that prosecuting a woman accused of looting billions from one of the world's poorest nations is simply not cricket.
The decision came after a High Court judge, wearing a face of profound solemnity and a wig that could double as a nesting site for endangered birds, ruled that the cost of extradition would exceed the GDP of a small Pacific island. 'Justice is not about money,' the judge intoned, while probably mentally calculating his pension. 'It is about principles. And our principle is that billionaires should not be inconvenienced by trifles like due process.'
Diezani, a woman whose personal fortune could solve the Nigerian energy crisis twice over, smiled graciously as she left the court flanked by lawyers whose hourly rates are higher than the average Nigerian annual income. 'I am humbled by the British legal system,' she purred, likely referring to its well-known flexibility when confronted with a well-tailored suit and a Swiss bank account.
The ruling has been hailed as a triumph for British justice, which has long maintained that the law is a fine, subtle instrument, best calibrated to protect the wealthy from the consequences of their actions. 'This is what makes our country great,' said a government spokesperson, trying to keep a straight face. 'We don't just let anyone get away with theft. You have to have at least three properties in Knightsbridge and a private jet.'
The Nigerian government, which had hoped to recover a fraction of the billions allegedly stolen, has been left clutching a bill for legal fees. President Bola Tinubu, reached for comment, was heard muttering something about 'colonial legacies' before being drowned out by the sound of Diezani's private jet taking off from Luton.
As the sun sets on another glorious day for British jurisprudence, one cannot help but feel a warm glow of patriotic pride. Our courts have once again proven that they are the best money can buy. God save the King, and save us from having to think too hard about where all that money came from.
