In a move that has sent shivers down the spine of every right-thinking, stiff-upper-lipped shareholder, the American confectionery behemoth Mondelez has declared it shall continue peddling its wares in the frozen wasteland of Putin's playground, despite the collective howl of outrage from British investors. Yes, you read that correctly. While we Brits are busy replacing our afternoon tea with a grim cup of sanctions and moral superiority, Mondelez is merrily churning out Dairy Milk in Russian factories, presumably to fuel the sugar cravings of the Kremlin's inner circle.
Now, I can almost hear the spluttering from the City of London: "But what about our precious ESG scores?" Oh, worry not. The shareholders are demanding explanations, which is about as effective as asking a shark to stop eating. Mondelez, you see, has decided that the profit margin on a Wispa bar is more important than the optics of propping up an economy that is actively waging war on a sovereign state. It is a masterclass in corporate doublespeak, a symphony of cognitive dissonance conducted with a chocolate bar.
Let us dissect the sheer audacity. The company claims it is "complying with all relevant laws." Laws. That is the bar we have set. Not ethics. Not morality. Not even a vague nod to public opinion. Just the law. Which, in Russia, is about as robust as a Boris Johnson handshake. It is the same logic that allowed Nestlé to sell baby formula in Africa. It is the logic of the void.
But wait. There is more. The British shareholders, those titans of industry, are "demanding explanations." How quaint. As if an explanation will soothe the burning shame of holding shares in a company that is effectively funding the Russian war machine. Perhaps they will receive a PowerPoint presentation with graphs showing that the Russian chocolate market is simply too delicious to abandon. "Sorry, Ukraine. We tried. But the profit margins on a Crunchie bar are just too high."
And let us not forget the exquisite timing. This comes as the British government is busy slapping sanctions on Russian oligarchs and their yachts. Meanwhile, Mondelez is providing a steady stream of confectionery to the Russian populace, ensuring that their sugar-addled brains remain blissfully unaware of the horrors their military is committing. It is the perfect marriage of capitalism and denial.
What is the conclusion from all this? That the only thing more bitter than a 90% cocoa dark chocolate bar is the taste of hypocrisy. Mondelez has shown its true colours. They are not the colours of the rainbow. They are the grey of a balance sheet. And the British shareholders, for all their indignant huffing and puffing, will likely do nothing. Because at the end of the day, the dividend is king. Long live the king.
So, raise a glass of warm gin and tonic. Toast to the hollowed-out soul of modern capitalism. And remember: when you eat a Cadbury Creme Egg, you are not just consuming sugar. You are consuming the moral fibre of a nation. Bon appétit.
