In a move that has sent shockwaves of pure, unadulterated absurdity through the corridors of international diplomacy, the United Kingdom has gallantly offered counter-terrorism support to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police following the tragic shooting in Montreal that left three souls departed from this mortal coil. Yes, you heard that correctly. The nation that brought you the IRA peace process, the 7/7 bombings, and a lingering suspicion of anyone carrying a rucksack on the Tube is now reaching across the Atlantic to offer its sagely advice to the Mounties.
Because clearly, when it comes to gun violence, Britain is the font of all wisdom. After all, we've never had a school shooting. No, we just stab each other with terrifying regularity in the streets of London.
But never mind that: the offer has been made, the press release has been typed, and the gin has been generously poured. This is the kind of performative solidarity that makes the modern world such a ghastly, glorious farce. The real question, of course, is what exactly does Britain propose to offer?
A team of crack SAS operatives who have spent the last decade hunting ISIS in Syria? Unlikely. More probably, a delegation of bewildered Home Office bureaucrats armed with PowerPoint presentations on 'De-radicalisation Through Puns' and a pamphlet on the importance of never leaving your luggage unattended.
The RCMP, for their part, have been polite enough to accept the offer with a stiff upper lip and a muttered 'thank you, old chap' through gritted teeth. Nobody is fooled. This is the diplomatic equivalent of offering a drowning man a glass of water.
But we must keep up appearances, mustn't we? The spectacle of nations pretending to care is the very glue that holds our fractured civilisation together. So let us raise a glass to the three victims, whose lives were cut short by a bullet, and whose memory will now be forever encased in a tomb of bureaucratic nonsense and transatlantic backslapping.
In related news, the price of gin has risen again. Coincidence? I think not.
