In a turn of events that would make even the most cynical Greek tragedian wince, the mother of a Greek politician has shuffled off this mortal coil following a jolly little arson attack on her home. The UK, ever the guardian of global decency, has issued a sternly worded condemnation of the rise in political violence. Because nothing says 'we care' quite like a press release from a country whose own political discourse resembles a pantomime horse with both legs in traction.
Details are scant, as is tradition when the establishment needs to appear outraged without actually doing anything. The elderly woman, whose name has been mercifully withheld from the public's ravenous maw, was reportedly asleep when some enterprising soul decided to redecorate her house with flame. The fire consumed not only her home but also any lingering belief that democracy is a civilised pursuit.
Greek police are, predictably, 'investigating,' which in Mediterranean parlance means they will spend the next several months chain-smoking and shrugging before filing the case under 'Acts of God with Possible Political Motivations.' Meanwhile, the Greek government has declared a day of mourning, which is basically a free pass for everyone to be miserable and blame the other lot.
Across the Channel, the UK Foreign Office has done what it does best: issued a statement. 'We condemn all forms of political violence,' they said, presumably while polishing a teacup and adjusting a monocle. This is the same government that has spent the last decade implementing policies that make the Greek arsonist look like a community outreach worker. But never mind that. Let's focus on the sanctity of life, shall we?
The real question, the one no one dares ask, is why does political violence always target the elderly? Is it because they are easier to set alight? Or is it because their deaths carry a certain gravitas that a young person's death lacks? The answer, my friends, is the smell of burnt pensioner is the only thing that cuts through the fog of political apathy. It is the ultimate clickbait.
In related news, funeral pyre sales in Athens have spiked 400%. Coincidence? Probably. But in a world where coincidence is just another word for 'we haven't found the connection yet,' one must remain vigilant. Or at least drink heavily.
And so, as the world mourns the loss of one anonymous old lady, we are reminded that political violence is bad. Unless it is state-sanctioned. Unless it is drone strikes. Unless it is austerity. Unless it is the slow, quiet death of a thousand cuts. But enough about the Greek economy.
In conclusion, here is a list of things the UK government will do to address this issue: absolutely nothing. Unless you count sending a strongly worded letter to the Greek ambassador, which was probably lost in the post anyway. After all, there is no profit in solving problems. Only in sounding very, very concerned.
Now, if you will excuse me, I have a gin and tonic to name. I am thinking of calling it 'The Hellenic Requiem.' It involves gin, tonic, a splash of ouzo, and a garnish of burnt rosemary. Cheers.
