In a shocking development that has absolutely nobody over the age of 12 surprised, the Royal Navy has confirmed that several undersea cables have been 'mysteriously' damaged. And who should be lurking nearby like a drunken uncle at a wedding? None other than a Russian 'research vessel' named the *Yantar*, observed loitering off the coast of Cornwall with the kind of shifty-eyed intent that suggests it wasn't looking for mermaids.
Let's be clear: this is the same vessel that has been sighted near every major undersea cable rupture from the Baltics to the Black Sea. It's the aquatic equivalent of a man with a crowbar standing over a smashed ATM. Yet the Kremlin's official response, delivered through a spokesperson who had clearly just finished a bottle of Georgian brandy, was to call the allegations 'baseless provocations by a degenerate NATO.' Degenerate? Coming from a regime that invades its neighbours and poisons its critics, that's like being called ugly by a frog.
The deep-sea cable industry is having a tough enough time as it is, what with sharks biting things and fishing nets getting tangled. But now we have to contend with state-sanctioned sabotage? The *Yantar*, in case you're wondering, is a 5,400-ton submersible mothership equipped with two mini-subs capable of reaching depths of 6,000 metres. That's not for collecting seashells, my friend. That's for reaching down and giving our internet a good, hard yank.
A Royal Navy source, speaking on condition of anonymity (no doubt sipping a gin and tonic while doing so), said: 'The damage is consistent with deliberate cutting. Not like the accidental scrapes we usually see. This is a clean slice. Professional. Russian.'
Of course, the government has been quick to reassure the public that 'essential to national security' protocols are being followed. Translation: they've formed a committee. A committee that will meet twice, issue a report in eighteen months, and then recommend more committees. Meanwhile, your Netflix keeps buffering and the pound buys exactly one sad sandwich.
We must also consider the timing. Just days after the UK announced a new undersea cable connecting Cornwall to the US? Coincidence? Yes, probably. But the kind of coincidence that makes you want to install a submarine doorbell and a moat filled with electric eels.
So what's to be done? A few suggestions: First, deploy HMS *Duncan* to follow the *Yantar* on its inevitable voyage home, broadcasting the Benny Hill theme on loop. Second, invest in a fleet of cyber-trained dolphins wearing tiny Union Jacks. Third, and most importantly, understand that this is a cold war reheated in a microwave. The cables are the arteries of our digital life, and if Russia thinks it can sever them with impunity, we need to remind them that our Navy has a long memory and even longer torpedoes.
In conclusion, brace yourselves for slower TikTok uploads and a lot of politicians pointing at things. The *Yantar* will sail away, the cables will be fixed, and the Kremlin will deny everything. But we know. We always know. And if we're smart, we'll make sure the next cable is wrapped in a giant metal Union Jack and booby-trapped with a hearty 'Go on then, made you look.'
- Biff Thistlethwaite, Satirical Correspondent (and occasional cable snapper at airport security).
