In a piece of news that has undoubtedly shaken the foundations of both geography and common sense, a gaggle of British travel experts – a phrase I use with the same caution one might reserve for 'a parliament of owls' or 'a murder of crows' – have declared Niagara Falls the ultimate World Cup viewing spot. Yes, you heard that correctly. The same waterfall that has been the backdrop for countless honeymoons, ill-advised barrel stunts, and the occasional leprechaun sighting is now, apparently, the place to watch eleven overpaid gentlemen kick a ball around a field.
Let us first consider the logistics. Niagara Falls is situated on the border between the United States and Canada, two nations whose relationship with football (or soccer, as they insist on calling it with a straight face) is, at best, a passing acquaintance. The World Cup final will be played at a time when the sun is either rising over the mist or setting behind the falls, depending on your hemisphere's inclination. The experts, presumably having consulted a Ouija board and a damp copy of the AA Road Atlas, have recommended this location because 'the roar of the water adds a dramatic backdrop to the roar of the crowd.' What crowd? The crowd of tourists in plastic ponchos trying to get a selfie? The only roar you'll hear is the collective groan when someone suggests a barrell ride during half-time.
But let us delve deeper into the psyche of these 'experts.' One can only assume they were three gins deep when the idea was conceived in a cramped office above a Greggs in Slough. The criteria for the ultimate viewing spot, as outlined in their report, include 'atmospheric sound,' 'ample seating,' and 'availability of local alcoholic beverages.' Niagara Falls has a Casino. It has a chain restaurant called the Hard Rock Cafe. It has a ferry that takes you directly into the spray. But it does not have a pub. Not a decent one. If you want to watch England lose on penalties while sipping a warm pint of Tetley's, you are going to be sorely disappointed. Here, you will be offered a Molson Canadian or a Labatt Blue, both of which taste like regret and maple syrup.
And what of the technical aspects? The experts claim that the mist from the falls creates a 'natural IMAX screen' for the match. Really? Because I've been to IMAX, and I don't recall being drenched in 600,000 gallons of water per second while trying to focus on a penalty shootout. The sound of the falls, they argue, will drown out the agonising commentary of Gary Neville. A fair point, I'll concede. But it will also drown out the glorious roar of a goal, the referee's whistle, and any coherent thought you might have about the offside rule.
Perhaps the most staggering part of this report is the suggestion that you can 'watch the game and then take a boat tour to celebrate or commiserate.' Nothing says post-match analysis like standing in a poncho alongside 40 Japanese tourists, all of whom are more interested in the rainbow than the result. And if you're a losing fan, you can always throw yourself into the falls. It's tradition.
I am not saying that watching the World Cup at Niagara Falls is a bad idea. I am saying it is a catastrophically stupid one, dreamed up by travel experts who have clearly never had to find a decent toilet in a public park in July. The ultimate World Cup viewing spot is, and always will be, your local pub. Preferably one with sticky carpets, a landlord who doesn't understand VAR, and a crisp selection that includes salt and vinegar. Anything else is just a waterfall of nonsense.
In conclusion, I direct this to the British travel experts: Please, for the love of all that is holy, go to a pub. You'll thank me. Your livers might not, but your sanity will.
