In a move that has sent tremors through the transatlantic pop ecosystem, Olivia Rodrigo has selected a song for her hypothetical wedding. Yes, you read that correctly. The 21-year-old singer songwriter, whose tears are apparently distilled into platinum records, has deigned to announce which of her own compositions will soundtrack the inevitable nuptial procession.
And the British music industry, ever the grovelling sycophant to American youth, has anointed her the 'rising global star' as if she hadn't already been burning up the stratosphere for two years. The chosen hymn, 'Traitor', a ballad of betrayal that would make a Victorian ghost weep, was revealed during a livestream that crashed the servers of every media outlet too broke to afford better bandwidth. The announcement was met with the sort of fawning reverence usually reserved for the Queen's Christmas broadcast minus the tinsel and with considerably more mascara.
A spokesman for the British Phonographic Industry, speaking through a mouthful of humbled pie, declared Rodrigo 'the voice of a generation who has singlehandedly revived the art of the breakup anthem'. This is the same industry that once claimed Ed Sheeran was the second coming of Beethoven. Meanwhile, actual rising stars, the kind that play in damp basements for pints, watched from the sidelines, their dreams of a wedding song mention fading like a cheap biro.
But let's not be churlish. Rodrigo, with her uncanny ability to turn adolescent angst into streaming revenue, has certainly earned her coronation. Her choice of 'Traitor', a song that seethes with the fury of a teenager who just discovered her boyfriend's Venmo history, is a masterstroke.
It's a song that says, 'I will forgive you, but I will also commission a documentary about your infidelity'. The British press, ever eager to claim any success as their own, have noted that Rodrigo's maternal great aunt once visited Cornwall, thus making her essentially a local hero. 'She understands the British spirit', gushed one columnist, 'that plucky defiance in the face of emotional catastrophe.
It's very Dunkirk.' Indeed, nothing says British resilience like a multi millionaire pop star picking a song for a wedding she hasn't even planned yet. The irony is as thick as the gin at an editor's lunch.
And what of the song itself? 'Traitor' is a perfectly serviceable piece of pop craft, dripping with the sort of melody that lodges in your brain like a splinter. It's no 'Drivers License', but then what is?
The wedding, should it ever occur, will likely be a spectacle of curated intimacy, broadcast exclusively on a platform that doesn't exist yet. But for now, let us bask in the glory of this non event. The British music industry has a new saviour, and her name is Olivia Rodrigo.
Long may she reign. Or at least until her next album cycle.
