In what can only be described as a breathtakingly improbable medical bulletin, the court physician of the former reality TV star turned political iceberg declared Donald J Trump to be in “excellent” health. This diagnosis, delivered with a straight face that must have required Botox injections of heroic proportions, has been dismissed by medical experts and sentient houseplants alike as a pure PR exercise. Dr Sean Conley, a man whose professional credibility is now treading water in the same shallow end as his patient’s tan, released a memo that read less like a medical report and more like a valentine from a hostage.
“His overall health is excellent,” the doctor gushed, presumably while checking for the presence of a gun to his head. The examination, conducted at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, reportedly included a cognitive test that Trump aced by correctly identifying a picture of himself and remembering that he’s never wrong. Critics, however, point out that the evaluation was about as rigorous as a beauty pageant interview, and about as informative.
Dr Conley did not release any specific data, such as cholesterol levels or blood pressure, leading to speculation that the results were less “excellent” and more “classified.” Meanwhile, the nation’s cardiologists have issued a collective sigh, reaching for their stethoscopes with trembling hands. One prominent physician, speaking on condition of anonymity (fearing the wrath of the Trump legal team, which is notoriously litigious and prone to threatening letters written in gold ink), said: “Calling a 77-year-old man with a history of hamburgers and tweeting ‘excellent’ is like calling the Titanic ‘slightly damp.
’” The White House press corps, accustomed to being gaslit on a daily basis, took the news with the same enthusiasm as a vegan at a barbecue. Political satirists have had a field day, comparing the medical report to a used car salesman’s pitch: “Runs great! Only driven to court and back.
” The timing of this health assessment is peculiarly fortuitous, coming just as Trump faces a barrage of legal troubles that would make a lesser man’s blood pressure spike. Perhaps the doctor’s definition of “excellent” includes a generous application of denial. In other news, the stock of gin manufacturers in airport lounges has skyrocketed, as journalists everywhere attempt to anaesthetise themselves from the sheer absurdity of it all.
