In a development that has sent tremors through the chintz-upholstered bowels of the Mar-a-Lago bunker, the Cheeto-in-Chief has emerged from a particularly vigorous hair-spraying session to declare that Iran will face consequences the likes of which, one assumes, have never been witnessed in the history of poorly thought-out foreign policy. The incident: a US helicopter, perhaps distracted by the shimmering mirage of a nearby oil tanker, was allegedly downed by Iranian air defences over the Gulf. Or the Persian Gulf. Or the Gulf of Tonkin. Honestly, in this administration, geography is a suggestion written in disappearing ink.
Our Dear Leader, his syntax as tangled as a toddler's Christmas lights, took to his favourite digital bully pulpit to assure the world that 'they will pay a very big price' and that this was 'a very bad mistake.' Yes, because nothing says strategic genius like announcing your retaliatory intentions before you've even located the target on a map. Perhaps he is taking advice from the same chap who planned the Kabul withdrawal.
The facts, as they filter through the Kremlin of misinformation that is the White House press corps, are as clear as a gin and tonic left out in the sun. Somewhere, a helicopter, possibly carrying a cargo of gold-plated Trump Bibles or a spare toupee, decided to engage in a spot of informal target practice near Iranian territorial waters. Iran, having apparently missed the memo about American exceptionalism, responded by turning the helicopter into a very expensive lawn dart. Casualties: reported as 'unknown', but one assumes the pilot's dignity is beyond repair.
Now, the question on every sane person's lips: will this be the spark that ignites the powder keg of the Middle East? Or will it fizzle out like a damp firework at a Trump rally? The President's track record on decisive action is, shall we say, chequered. Remember the time he almost started a war with North Korea over a tweet? Or when he ordered a strike on Syria, then immediately declared victory and went back to golf? This is a man who treats foreign policy like a reality show cancellation notice.
Meanwhile, in Tehran, the mullahs are probably having a good chuckle, stroking their beards, and wondering if they can get a bulk discount on anti-aircraft missiles. The Iranian foreign minister, a man whose smile could curdle milk, has already issued a statement calling the US presence in the Gulf 'a destabilising factor' and reminding the world that they have every right to defend their airspace. One can almost hear the collective grinding of teeth in the Pentagon.
But let us not forget the human element. Somewhere, a family is waiting for news of their loved one. A pilot, a crew member, perhaps a poor soul who just wanted to fly in the sunshine and terrorise some fishermen. Instead, they have become pawns in the great chess game of international brinkmanship, a game where the rules are written in crayon and the winner is whoever can hold their breath the longest.
In conclusion, dear reader, we are once again teetering on the edge of a very expensive, very stupid war. The only guarantee is that the price of oil will spike, the stock market will have a conniption, and some poor intern will have to type up another sternly worded letter to the UN. As for Donald J. Trump, he will undoubtedly emerge from this crisis with his hair intact, his tan unblemished, and his grasp on reality as tenuous as ever. All we can do is pour a stiff drink, open a window, and hope the sound of distant explosions is just the neighbours playing loud music.
So raise a glass to the brave men and women who patrol our skies, may they never be caught in the crossfire of a publicity stunt. And to the mullahs: please remember, our President is a very good businessman. He knows a bad deal when he sees one. Let's hope he doesn't confuse a war with a hostile takeover.
