In a development that has startled precisely no one outside of his own fevered cranium, Donald J Trump has elected to give the World Cup a miss. Instead of rubbing shoulders with actual world leaders and pretending to understand the offside rule, the former president has decided to stay home and presumably tweet about the size of his crowds or the superiority of his hamburgers.
UK diplomatic sources, speaking through gritted teeth and overpriced champagne, have offered insight. One source, who shall remain nameless for fear of being demoted to the Falklands, described Trump's absence as "a masterclass in avoiding anywhere he might be upstaged by a football." Another, more candid diplomat muttered something about "orange peel being best left in the fruit bowl."
The real question, however, is why. Why would a man who craves attention like a toddler craves sugar skip the planet's biggest sporting spectacle? Theories abound. Perhaps he fears a stadium full of people chanting something other than his name. Perhaps he's worried the ball might hit him and expose his wig as a rare species of synthetic badger. Or perhaps, just perhaps, he's realised that in a world where even Vladimir Putin pretends to enjoy football, Trump's brand of chaos has no place.
The diplomatic insight, such as it is, suggests that Trump's absence is a calculated move. "He can't stand being in a room where he's not the centre of attention," the source explained. "At the World Cup, the ball is the star. And let's face it, that ball has better hair."
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe where Trump did attend, we can only imagine the headlines: "Trump claims he invented football," "Trump demands wall around pitch to keep out Mexican players," "Trump offers to build a better trophy, made of gold and grievance."
But no. Instead, we have a sulking ex-president, a cadre of diplomats enjoying his absence, and a world that barely notices. It's a beautiful metaphor for his entire political career: all bluster, no ball skills.
So raise a glass of something cheap and American. To Trump, the man who skipped the World Cup because he couldn't stand being second best, even to a spherical object.
