The Netherlands, a nation built on tulips, windmills and a pathological need to be the tallest people in any room, has achieved the impossible. On a single, gin-soaked Sunday, their monarchy celebrated not one but two World Cup victories. Yes, you read that correctly. While the rest of us were trying to remember the rules of cricket or watching our own governments collapse into a pile of self-serving custard, the Dutch were busy being excellent.
Let us begin with the football. The women's team, known as the Oranjeleeuwinnen (Orange Lionesses, because of course), defeated Sweden 2-0 in the final. A nation that cycles everywhere, eats herring raw and treats cheese as a major food group has now conquered the world of football. Their coach, Sarina Wiegman, looked less like a triumphant manager and more like a kindly headmistress who had just seen her pupils pass their exams. She smiled. The Dutch crowd did that weird thing where they all jump up and down in synchronised delight. It was sickening, frankly.
But wait, there is more. On the same day, in the same country, in what can only be described as a royalist fever dream, King Willem-Alexander and Queen Máxima won the 2018 World Fencing Championships. In an interview, the King said he was 'tired but happy.' Tired but happy. This is a man who has never had to queue for a bus or worry about his mortgage, and he is 'tired but happy' after winning a sports tournament. Meanwhile, the rest of us are tired and sad after trying to assemble flat-pack furniture.
The monarchy, you see, is thriving. Reports suggest that the Dutch royal family has a 90% approval rating. Ninety per cent. That is higher than the chance of rain in Manchester. They manage this by appearing vaguely normal. They cycle, they laugh, they occasionally look a bit awkward in hats. Compare this to the British royals, who glide through life like depressed swans, occasionally interrupting their misery to wave at peasants. The Dutch royals even let their children attend state schools. State schools. The horror.
But let us not get carried away. The monarchy is an absurd institution, a hereditary daycare centre for a single family. Yet somehow, the Dutch have made it work. They have turned their royal family into a brand, a symbol of national unity. They are the Netherlands' way of saying, 'We are all in this together, even if some of us have better castles and personal chefs.' The two World Cup wins are just the icing on the tulip-shaped cake.
Naturally, the news has sent shockwaves through the international community. The French have responded by striking. The British have started a committee to investigate the possibility of becoming more orange. The Germans are already planning a more efficient monarchy, complete with spreadsheets. And the Americans? They are Googling where the Netherlands is.
As for me, I sit here, in a pub that smells of stale beer and broken dreams, watching the news. My gin is warm. My career is a distant memory. But the Dutch are winning, the royals are fence-posting and the world is still absurd. So I raise a glass to the Netherlands, the country that did two things right while the rest of us can't even find matching socks.
I need a drink. And perhaps a revolution. Or at least a good bicycle.
