WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the conservative bowel movements of the Western world, the United States Department of State has announced a temporary measure: for the nation’s 250th birthday, every US passport will feature the unmistakable visage of Donald J. Trump in lieu of the holder’s own photograph. Yes, you read that right. Your travel document will now sport the scowling, spray-tanned mug of the 45th president, presumably to remind foreign customs officials that America is still very, very cross about something.
“This is a celebration of American exceptionalism,” said a spokesperson for the State Department, who appeared to be sweating profusely and avoiding eye contact with the portrait of George Washington on the wall. “What better way to honour our independence than to remind the world of our most independent president? The one who needed no one’s approval, not even facts, gravity or the rule of law.”
The decision, which takes effect on July 4, 2026, will see every newly issued passport – and, in a logistical nightmare, every existing passport – updated with a full-colour, high-resolution image of Trump’s face, complete with that strange, pouty lip configuration he adopts when he’s about to say something profoundly untrue. The holder’s personal details will be relegated to a small, easily overlooked panel on the back page, like a footnote in the biography of a more important person.
“I’m thrilled,” said Marjorie Taylor Greene, speaking from a bunker somewhere in Georgia. “Now when I travel to Hungary to meet with other nationalist heroes, the world will know I’m a true patriot. My face is irrelevant. It’s his face that matters. His face is the face of America.”
Not everyone is celebrating. Civil liberties groups have called the move “a bizarre and Orwellian breach of basic identity,” while travel experts have warned of chaos at border crossings. “Imagine trying to convince a stern-faced TSA agent that you are not, in fact, a 76-year-old man with a hair helmet,” said one bemused frequent flyer. “I’m going to get strip-searched so often I’ll have to install a zipper on my own skin.”
Buckingham Palace, in a statement that can only be described as the diplomatic equivalent of a stiff upper lip tightening, declined to comment. A palace insider, speaking on condition of anonymity for fear of being forced to watch a full season of The Apprentice, muttered: “We’ve seen a lot of colonial eccentricities, but this… this is a whole new level of unhinged. The Queen’s passport doesn’t even have a photo. It’s just a note asking politely for her to be let through. We don’t need to paste a monarch on every document. That’s what crowns are for.”
The move has prompted a flurry of copycat proposals around the globe. France is considering replacing passport photos with a baguette and a bottle of Bordeaux. The UK is mooting a picture of a warm, flat pint of ale. And North Korea has reportedly already updated all passports with a high-resolution image of Kim Jong Un, which, frankly, was probably already the case.
In the midst of the chaos, one clear voice of reason emerged from the usual haunts. “This is a gimmick,” said a weary-looking man in a pub in Slough, who gave his name as Nigel. “A flashy, stupid, undemocratic gimmick. You might as well put a picture of a pound note on the front. No, wait, don’t give them ideas.” He downed his gin and tonic with the air of a man who had seen the future, and it looked a lot like a Caravaggio painting drawn by a toddler with a crayon called ‘Cheeto.’
As the nation barrells towards its 250th birthday, one thing is clear: America’s passport has become a mirror reflecting not the face of the traveler, but the psyche of a nation in deep, deep crisis. Or perhaps it’s just a very, very bizarre birthday card. Either way, customs officials around the world are stocking up on magnifying glasses and antacids. Godspeed, America. You’re going to need it.
