Good Lord. The subcontinent is at it again. Pakistan, in a fit of pique or perhaps just a particularly aggressive bout of indigestion, has launched air strikes inside Afghanistan.
Not content with simply having the world's most confusing visa policy, Islamabad has decided to add ‘indiscriminate aerial bombardment’ to the CVs of its air force. The UK government, predictably, is ‘gravely concerned’. But then, the British establishment is gravely concerned about everything from the price of cheddar to the state of the nation’s allotments.
This, however, is a rather more serious matter. The strikes, purportedly targeting militant hideouts, have reportedly killed civilians. Shocking.
Because in the grand theatre of war, the ‘militant hideout’ is rarely a purpose-built facility with a little sign reading ‘Terrorists Only.’ More often it’s a mud hut with a goat tethered outside. But let’s not let facts get in the way of a good bombing campaign.
The UK Foreign Office issued a statement expressing ‘deep concern’ and calling for ‘de-escalation’. This is the verbal equivalent of tutting at a pub brawl while ordering another round. De-escalation?
In the Hindu Kush? The only thing being de-escalated is the life expectancy of anyone within a mile of a targeted village. Meanwhile, the Taliban, who are now the de facto government of Afghanistan, have condemned the strikes.
Because nothing says ‘legitimate governance’ like a regime that bans music and beats women for showing their ankles. The irony is so thick you could spread it on a chapati. Pakistan claims the strikes were in response to cross-border attacks by the Tehrik-i-Taliban Pakistan (TTP).
This group, for the uninitiated, is basically the TTP, which stands for ‘Taliban, but with a slightly different acronym.’ They are the sworn enemies of the Pakistani state, which has a long and proud history of harbouring exactly this sort of group when it suits them. As a regular observer of geopolitical slapstick, I can only describe this as a farce with live ammunition.
The UK fears regional destabilisation. What, more destabilised than a country that has been at war for forty years? The region is so destabilised it makes the Balkans look like the Cotswolds.
But fear not, our leaders are ‘monitoring the situation closely’ from the comfort of leather armchairs in Whitehall. They are no doubt tracking the coordinates over single malts and canapés. In the meantime, the bodies pile up, the rhetoric escalates, and the world shrugs.
Because that’s what we do. We watch the chaos unfold, we issue statements, and we wonder why the gin ration never seems quite enough. So raise a glass to Pakistan’s air force, to Afghanistan’s endless sorrow, and to the UK’s impotent hand-wringing.
Cheers, you absolute muppets.
