In a twist that would make even the most hardened cynic choke on his morning tea and biscuit, Vietnamese authorities have bravely (and we use that term loosely, as one does with a bad toupee) rescued hundreds of cats from a life of servitude in the stewpot. Yes, you heard it here first, or perhaps on the BBC if you're the sort who doesn't enjoy a bit of spleen with your breakfast. The felines, a motley crew of tabbies, gingers, and the occasional aristocat, were found crammed into cages, awaiting a fate worse than death: being served with a side of rice and a dash of soy sauce.
Now, enter stage left: the UK's animal welfare groups, who have collectively donned their gilets and sensible shoes to demand a crackdown on this 'barbaric' practice. Never mind the fact that we Brits happily export our own animals to the slaughterhouse in the form of beef, pork, and lamb, but a cat? That's a bridge too far, old chap. The RSPCA, Blue Cross, and a gaggle of other charities have issued a joint statement, calling for a global ban on the consumption of cats, which is a bit rich coming from a nation that invented the pork pie and has a fondness for blood pudding.
But let's not get sidetracked. The details of the rescue are, as they say, the cat's meow. Vietnamese police, acting on a tip-off, raided a warehouse in the Mekong Delta, where they found 400 cats, all destined for dishes in China and Vietnam. Yes, you read that right: 400 cats. That's enough to populate a small town's worth of Instagram accounts. The cats were, according to reports, 'in good health' which is more than can be said for the sanity of the raid's participants, who must have spent hours disentangling whiskers and tails.
The reaction from the UK's cat lobby has been predictable. They've taken to Twitter with the fury of a thousand declawed tigers, demanding sanctions, trade embargoes, and a general po-faced condemnation. But let's be honest: if we're going to get upset about what other nations eat, perhaps we should start with the French and their penchant for horse meat, or the Chinese and their love of dog. But no, it's the cats that get our goat. Or should that be our cat?
The irony, of course, is that while we're tutting at the Vietnamese, we're quite happy to let our own cats roam the streets, killing native songbirds without a second thought. But that's a different kettle of fish, or should that be cat of cream? Anyway, the rescue has been hailed as a victory for animal rights, and the cats have been rehomed to sanctuaries where they can live out their days in comfort, no doubt plotting their revenge on the human race.
In conclusion, this is a story that has everything: stolen cats, international outrage, and a healthy dose of hypocrisy. It's enough to make you want to become a vegetarian, or at the very least, avoid looking at your own dinner plate with anything but suspicion. As for the UK's demands for a crackdown, we wish them the best of luck. After all, when you're dealing with a nation that eats balut, a fertilised duck egg, a cat stew doesn't seem all that out of place. So let us raise a glass (of gin, naturally) to the cats of Vietnam: may they live long, prosperous lives, free from the fear of becoming a main course.
