In a move that has stunned precisely nobody who has ever looked up after three gins, the United States government has declassified four new videos of Unidentified Flying Objects. Orbs, triangles, and what appears to be a flying Vauxhall Astra with the doors off. The footage, released by the All-domain Anomaly Resolution Office, shows ‘metallic’ craft performing manoeuvres that would make a Red Arrow weep into his teacup.
The Pentagon, in a rare fit of candour, has admitted these objects ‘may not be from this world.’ Well, blow me down with a feather. After decades of denial, cover-ups, and that terribly awkward time when Reagan tried to phone E.
T., the US government has finally embraced the concept of ‘we haven’t got a scooby.’ But is this a genuine security concern, or just a distraction from the fact that your local Greggs has run out of sausage rolls?
The videos, captured by naval aviators, show objects accelerating to speeds that would turn a human into jam. Electromagnetic torches. Silent flight.
And, if the grainy footage is to be believed, one of them appears to be flipping the bird at a F/A-18 Super Hornet. ‘These are real, physical objects,’ said Dr. Sean Kirkpatrick, the head of the AARO, with the weary tone of a man who has had to explain that, no, it is not a weather balloon.
‘They exhibit capabilities we cannot replicate.’ Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, the Ministry of Defence is still trying to find a parking space for its UFO hotline. The British response has been characteristically underwhelming.
A spokesperson for the UK Space Agency mumbled something about ‘atmospheric phenomena’ before disappearing for a three-hour lunch. But let us not be churlish. This is a tremendous day for conspiracy theorists, who have been vindicated after years of being called ‘crackpots’ by people who believe the earth is a sphere.
‘I told you so,’ said Gary from Cheltenham, who runs a blog called ‘The Truth Is Out There, Probably Behind That Bush.’ ‘They’re here, and they’re not happy about the state of the NHS.’ The implications for national security are, of course, enormous.
If these craft are indeed extraterrestrial, then we must ask: what do they want? Are they peaceful explorers? Or are they the intergalactic equivalent of those blokes who rev their engines outside your house at 3am?
And more pressing: do they have any influence over the price of a pint? The government has promised further transparency, but let us be honest: the only thing more opaque than the Pentagon’s UFO policy is a pint of London Pride. So, as we gaze at the stars and wonder, remember this: the truth is not just out there.
It is here, it is in these videos, and it is probably getting a kicking from the US Congress. In the meantime, I shall be in the pub, watching the sky for signs of intelligent life. It is a long shot, I know, but one must have hope.
