In a shocking twist that nobody saw coming (except everyone with a pulse), the assistant of the late Matthew Perry has been sentenced for his role in the actor's tragic demise. The man, who apparently mistook his job description for 'pharmacist without a licence' or 'enabler with a smile,' now faces the music. But wait, there's more!
Because what good is a tragedy without a chorus of sanctimonious experts demanding we tighten the screws on addiction treatment? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the UK's rehabilitation industrial complex has arisen from its tea-scented slumber to declare that what we really need is more oversight. Because as we all know, the problem with Britain's drug crisis is a shocking lack of red tape.
Dear reader, I have seen clearer thinking in a pint of warm lager after a three-day bender. These so-called experts, who probably couldn't spot a genuine addict if one fell into their Earl Grey, are now calling for stricter regulations. Never mind that Perry's case was a Hollywood horror show of privilege and prescription pads, a uniquely American spectacle of fame-induced moral blindness.
But no, let's use this to bash the NHS, or whatever passes for public health these days. The assistant, a man whose moral compass was apparently forged in a crack pipe, got what he deserved. But the real criminals, the ones who profit from addiction while wringing their hands about it, remain unpunished.
They are the suits in boardrooms, the celebrities selling recovery memoirs, the politicians who say 'we need to do more' while doing the bare minimum. This sentencing is a drop in a very large, very gin-soaked ocean of hypocrisy. Mark my words, the only thing that will really change is the price of a seat at the next addiction conference.
