In a development that has sent the nation’s collective blood pressure spiking with wholesome adrenaline, a Metropolitan Police officer has been recorded performing a feat of such raw, unambiguous heroism that it has left the rest of us feeling rather inadequate about our own contributions to society. The officer, whose name has been released as PC Colin B. of the awkwardly named ‘Firearms and Explosives Command’ (because apparently catching babies is now part of the job description), was caught on bodycam plucking a wailing infant from the acrid throat of a burning tower block in Hackney.
The footage, which has since gone viral on every platform that doesn’t require a subscription to the Daily Mail, shows the officer scaling a drainpipe, his kevlar vest glowing like a beacon of hope against the orange rage of the flames, before descending with the child cradled like a rugby ball at Twickenham. The baby, mercifully unharmed, was later found to have a lung full of smoke and a newfound admiration for the Met’s response times. Meanwhile, the Home Secretary has announced a new ‘Civilian Bravery Medal’ to be awarded to anyone who does something moderately impressive in a crisis, presumably to be minted from melted-down police hats and delivered by a drone that looks suspiciously like a pigeon.
In related news, the UK’s collective obsession with ranking acts of bravery has reached a fever pitch, with online polls asking whether PC B.’s catch was ‘Better than Spider-Man’ or merely ‘As good as a slightly above-average firefighter.’ The Prime Minister, for his part, released a statement calling the rescue ‘a testament to the British spirit’ before being photographed tweeting ‘Fire Bad’ from a bulletproof car.
Elsewhere, the baby’s mother, a 23-year-old single parent named Sharon, expressed her ‘eternal gratitude’ while chain-smoking outside the hospital, adding that the council had promised to rehouse the family in a flat that ‘probably won’t catch fire.’ And so the nation agrees: we are all very proud, and we will all forget about this by Tuesday. But for now, let us raise a glass of lukewarm tap water to PC B.
, the man who caught a baby, and to the slow, beautiful collapse of a society that still occasionally produces heroes who smell of smoke and cheap cologne.
