In a development that has sent shockwaves through the moral compass of the global community, or at least through the Twitter accounts of those who claim to have one, a South African reality television programme dedicated to the fine art of polygamy has ignited a firestorm of controversy. The show, presumably titled something like 'Two Wives and a Tallywhacker' or 'The More the Merrier: A Celebration of Patriarchal Overreach', has prompted wagging fingers from every corner of the globe, as if anyone outside of South Africa has a leg to stand on when it comes to marital norms.
The programme, which I can only assume features contestants competing for the affections of a man who looks like he runs a successful chain of tyre shops and has the emotional range of a teaspoon, has been denounced as everything from 'degrading to women' to 'a threat to the very fabric of society'. One might ask, whose society? Because last I checked, the fabric of British society is woven from the threads of Hugh Grant rom-coms and arguments about the correct way to brew tea.
The arguments, as predictable as a hangover after a night on the cheap gin, have coalesced around the tired old chestnut of cultural relativism versus universal human rights. On one side, we have the pearl-clutchers, who have never met a non-Western tradition they couldn't tut at. On the other, we have the apologists, who will defend any practice so long as it's accompanied by a colourful song and dance number. Meanwhile, the actual participants, the women who have presumably signed up for this televised meat market with full agency and a desire for their fifteen minutes of fame, are caught in the crossfire.
Let us not forget, dear reader, that this is the same species that brought you 'The Bachelor', 'Married at First Sight', and 'Love Island', where contestants are encouraged to couple up in a villa while being filmed 24 hours a day and subsisting on a diet of prosecco and manufactured drama. But no, a show about polygamy in South Africa? That's where we draw the line. That's the hill upon which we shall die, clutching our monocles and our monogamous certitudes.
The global argument, if one can dignify the screaming matches on cable news and social media with such a term, has thus far revolved around the question of whether polygamy is inherently patriarchal or whether it can be a consensual arrangement between adults. This is, of course, the wrong question. The real question is: why on God's green earth is anyone watching this drivel? And if you are, why are you pretending to be outraged? You're the one tuning in. You're the one giving the ratings. You're the one who will then go to work and lecture your colleagues on the evils of the patriarchy while secretly wondering if you'd be able to handle two wives or, heaven forbid, two husbands.
The morality of marriage, that sacred institution which has historically been a vehicle for property transfer, political alliances, and the occasional love match, is now being debated on the basis of a reality show. We have truly reached the pinnacle of civilisational discourse. I, for one, will be washing down this bitter pill with another stiff gin and tonic, and hoping that the next argument is about something truly important, like the correct temperature for serving champagne.
