In a move that has sent shockwaves through the botanical community and inspired a thousand memes, President Donald Trump has reportedly ordered the immediate, no-expense-spared renovation of the National Mall's algae-choked Reflecting Pool. Because nothing says 'global dominance' like a pristine puddle of water in front of the Capitol, apparently.
The pool, a glorious 2,029-foot-long mirror designed to reflect the Washington Monument and the seat of American democracy, has recently been sporting a rather unflattering green tinge. It looks less like a symbol of national greatness and more like a forgotten garden pond in a council estate. This is unacceptable. The summit of world leaders is nigh, and the commander-in-chief is not about to have his photo-op ruined by a rogue patch of pond scum.
According to White House sources, the President was 'apoplectic' when he saw the pool's current state. 'This is a disaster,' he is reported to have said, gesturing vaguely at the algae. 'We look like a bunch of losers. The water is supposed to be blue, like my tie. Make it blue again.' The order was given. The park service has been mobilised. The sound of industrial-grade pumps and chemical treatments now echoes across the National Mall, drowning out the not-so-distant cries of historians who preferred the algae's 'authentic, ecological charm.'
The operation, dubbed 'Operation Prism' by some bright spark in the communications department, is expected to cost upwards of two million dollars. But what is that compared to the price of national pride? The pool must be so clear that it can reflect not just the monument but the entire American spirit: bold, clean, and utterly untroubled by nuance or environmental complexity.
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, the nation's crumbling infrastructure, rising sea levels, and opioid crisis remain unresolved. But the reflecting pool will sparkle. It will be the most beautiful reflecting pool in the history of reflecting pools. Perhaps the cleanest water in any pool ever. The experts say algae is natural, but the President knows better. Algae is a sign of weakness. A sign that America is not winning. And we are winning. We are winning so hard that even the water must be perfect.
As the summit approaches, one can only imagine the scene: leaders from around the world standing at the pool's edge, peering into its crystal-clear depths, and thinking, 'Yes, this is a great nation. They may have no universal healthcare, but by God, they have a clean reflecting pool.' It is a legacy. A puddle of pure, non-algae-infused glory. And in the end, isn't that what matters?
Oh, and they'll probably discuss trade deals and climate change, but who cares about that when you can have a perfect Instagram shot?
