In news that will surprise precisely no one who has maintained even a passing acquaintance with the internet since 2016, Whitehall’s finest codebreakers have turned their gimlet eyes toward the swampy cesspool of Donald Trump’s social media feed. Their conclusion? The man’s thumbs are a public health hazard, pumping out disinformation like a deranged digital Typhoid Mary.
Sources deep within the intelligence community (a man named Nigel who smells of static and regret) have confirmed that the President’s habit of retweeting anything that glows with the patina of conspiracy has been formally classified as a 'spillover risk.' This is the kind of sterile, bureaucratic phrase that allows civil servants to sleep at night while the world burns. One imagines the meetings: 'Gentlemen, the spillover is accelerating.
The QAnon reservoir has breached its banks. I recommend we deploy the debunking squad and pray.' The report, leaked to this correspondent via a tattooed courier who arrived on a moped smelling of Marlboros and menace, suggests that Trump’s output is not merely inflammatory but actively weaponised.
Each tweet is a payload, designed to exploit the algorithm’s foibles and the human brain’s infuriating tendency to believe the loudest liar. The irony, of course, is that British intelligence is now spending millions to analyse the same platform they once dismissed as a celebrity tantrum machine. Meanwhile, Trump continues to tweet with the reckless abandon of a man who has never faced a consequence in his life.
The man could start a nuclear war with a typo and still blame it on autocorrect. 'It’s the grammar, folks. Sad!
' So here we are, a nation of tea-sipping sceptics, forced to treat a reality TV star’s status updates as a matter of national security. The world has become a satire that forgot the punchline. I’m off to the pub to spillover a gin and tonic into my bloodstream.
