In a move that has sent ripples through the diplomatic community and delighted British tourism officials, Donald Trump has reportedly ordered a thorough cleanup of the National Mall's Reflecting Pool. The pool, long a shrine to selfie-takers and disgruntled ducks, will now be restored to its former glory, presumably free of the odd trainer and that mysterious film of oil that makes it look like a giant's discarded contact lens.
Sources close to the White House say the president, after a particularly spirited round of golf, took a dim view of the pool's current state. 'He called it a 'disgusting puddle' and said it looked like something you'd find in a Soviet-era housing estate,' leaked an aide. 'He then demanded it be made 'the most beautiful puddle in the world, maybe even better than the one at Mar-a-Lago.'
British tourism officials, who have long fretted over the state of the capital's water features, have responded with cautious optimism. 'It's a start,' said one unnamed official, sipping a lukewarm tea from a styrofoam cup. 'If Trump can sort out that puddle, maybe he'll have a crack at the broken fountains in Trafalgar Square. One can only dream.'
The announcement has, predictably, thrown the local duck population into a frenzy. 'They're terrified,' said a park ranger, watching a group of mallards huddle together. 'They've finally gotten used to the water having a distinctly 'pumpkin spice' aroma from the Starbucks runoff. Now this?'
But it's not just the ducks who are rattled. The Washington Monument, long overshadowed by the pool's murky depths, has reportedly booked a therapy session. 'It feels like it's finally being seen,' a spokesperson said. 'For decades, people only looked at the reflection. Now? Now it's about the actual stone.'
While no specific timeline has been given for the cleanup, early estimates suggest the pool could be sparkling by Christmas, just in time for the annual lighting ceremony. 'We'll have that thing gleaming like a mirror in a dressing room for insecure celebrities,' boasted a White House spokesman. 'And if anyone dares drop a penny in it, we'll send them to Guantanamo Bay.'
In unrelated news, a small group of protestors has already gathered to demand that the collected water be bottled and sold as 'Trump Water: The Finest Tap in the West.' So far, no one has laughed.
But let's not be too cynical. Perhaps this is a genuine act of cross-continental solidarity. Perhaps Trump, in his own odd way, is trying to make amends for that time he retweeted a video of a nationalist marching band. Or perhaps, as one British official suggested, 'He's just trying to distract from the fact that his own pool in Florida has a drain that's slightly crooked.'
Whatever the reason, the Reflecting Pool is getting a makeover. And if the British tourism board has its way, the next thing to get a facelift will be the entire concept of 'special relationship' itself. Or at least the tea in the White House. It's always too weak.
