In a move that has sent ripples through the global underwater real estate market, our glorious leaders have announced a trilateral pact with the US and Australia to dominate the art of seabed warfare. Yes, you heard that correctly. While you were worrying about the price of tea and the state of the railways, our respective navies have been busy strapping propellers to lawnmowers and calling them 'unmanned underwater vehicles'.
This deal, signed in a damp room somewhere (probably a submarine), promises to make the oceans safe for democracy, or at least safe for the military-industrial complex to have some fun with remote-controlled submarines. I can already picture the press release: 'We are proud to announce that our underwater drones can now play chess, recite poetry, and blow things up with alarming precision.'
Let us celebrate this glorious advancement in the art of not getting your hands wet. For too long, the seabed has been the domain of crabs and the occasional lost treasure. Now, it will be the domain of our brave, remote-controlled warriors. They will patrol the depths, ensuring that no one dares lay a cable or drill a hole without our explicit permission.
And what of the cost, you ask? Never mind the crumbling hospitals and the potholed roads. The sea is the future, and the future is expensive. But worry not, for this is an investment in our national security. After all, if we don't dominate the seabed, who will? The Chinese? The Russians? Probably. But now we have underwater drones, and they don't. Checkmate.
So raise a glass of your finest gin (or whatever is handy) to the brave men and women who will never actually go underwater but will still get medals for their drone's valour. God save the King, and God save the robots.
