In a development so predictable it could have been written in a pub garden on a rainy Tuesday, Japan’s Defence Minister has issued a stern denial of any militaristic ambitions. This, naturally, came sandwiched between a vicious volley at China’s ‘huge arsenal’ and a glowing receipt from the British government, who apparently have nothing better to do than cheerlead for Tokyo’s freshly polished swords.
Let us pause, dear reader, to admire the sheer chutzpah of this pantomime. Japan, a nation whose constitution was literally written by occupying forces in the wake of the Second World War to prevent it from having a proper army, is now tutting at China for stockpiling weapons. It is like watching a reformed alcoholic lecture a binge drinker on the evils of sherry. The Defence Minister, presumably speaking from behind a podium made of polished cherrywood and nationalist sentiment, insisted Japan remains a “peace-loving nation.” Of course it does. Everyone knows peace is best maintained by building anti-ship missiles and signing mutual defence pacts with any country that will hold your hand.
And who should come to the rescue but Her Majesty’s Government, ever eager to wade into a situation where they can puff out their chests and pretend they still run a global empire. The UK has “backed Tokyo’s stance,” which is diplomatic parlance for “we haven’t got a clue what’s going on but we’ll say yes because they might buy our submarines.” The British response was so swift and so sycophantic that I checked my calendar to see if it was 1902 and we were still in the Anglo-Japanese Alliance. Alas, it is 2025, and the only alliance London cares about is with whoever can distract from the potholes in the M25.
Let us consider the lexicon of this little spat. ‘Militarism’ is a word Japan has been running from like a vampire from a mirrored disco ball since 1945. Every time someone whispers it, they produce a white paper on defensive capabilities and a photo of their Prime Minister looking slightly sad. China, meanwhile, produces actual aircraft carriers and calls them “research vessels for peacetime maritime safety.” The West howls; China shrugs. And Britain, standing in the middle like a bewildered sheepdog, barks support for Japan because geopolitics is now simply a game of “pick your favourite grudge.”
The irony is so thick you could spread it on toast. Japan’s defence budget has grown larger than that of most European nations. They have helicopter carriers that are inexplicably called “destroyers.” They are developing hypersonic missiles. But no, no militarism here, squire. Just a peaceful nation with a very large arsenal that just happens to be pointed in a particular direction. And the UK, bless them, has decided this is the hill to die on – or at least the hill to have a rather stiff upper lip on while a Chinese destroyer sails through the Taiwan Strait.
What does this mean for the average person? Absolutely nothing, except that your morning newspaper is now a farce, your tax pounds are funding military parades in Tokyo, and the world’s great powers are essentially acting out a soap opera written by a committee of drunken diplomats. But that is the nature of news today – a fever dream of threats and counter-threats, where the truth is the first casualty and the last survivor.
And so, I shall raise a glass of airport gin – mine, not Japan’s – to the Defence Minister’s denials, to China’s “huge arsenal,” and to the British government’s unerring ability to pick a side. Here’s to peace, love, and understanding. Or at least to a better class of hypocrisy.
