In a twist that has left Whitehall mandarins spitting out their Earl Grey, a mosque attack in sunny San Diego has inadvertently triggered a Transatlantic crisis of confidence. It appears the Yanks, in a fit of desperation, are now eyeing our beloved community policing model as the solution to their mosque security nightmares. Yes, the same model that has British bobbies handing out parking tickets to pigeons and politely asking cat burglars to 'please desist' is being touted as the antidote to American gun violence.
The attack, which left one worshipper injured and a community shaken, has predictably sparked a soul-searching frenzy among the chattering classes. But instead of addressing the elephant in the room namely, the fact that their constitution is a blood-soaked suicide pact they have focused on our quaint little system. Apparently, the sight of a British copper without a firearm and with a kettle in hand is now the gold standard for counter-terrorism.
Let us be clear: the British model, for all its twee charm, is about as useful as a chocolate teapot in a gunfight. It relies on the public being armed with little more than stiff upper lips and a strong sense of fair play. We have had our own mosque attacks, thank you very much, and our community officers have been about as effective as a priest in a brothel. The difference is that we have stricter gun laws, which means our attackers have to make do with knives, vans, and occasionally a fire extinguisher.
But no, let us export this system to a country where every third person has a concealed carry permit. Let us suggest that the solution to armed extremism is a chat with a friendly bobby over a cup of tea. It is a beautiful fantasy, a soothing balm for the collective conscience. Meanwhile, back in reality, the attackers will continue to shoot up mosques, schools, and shopping malls with impunity.
And what of the poor British taxpayer? We are now expected to foot the bill for exporting our policing model, a system that is already buckling under the weight of austerity and Brexit. The Met Police can barely solve a burglary in Kensington, but apparently they are now global saviours. The irony is so thick you could spread it on a scone.
The real irony, of course, is that the very people who are now lauding our community policing model are the same ones who have spent the last decade decrying it as 'soft on crime' and 'politically correct nonsense'. But when American blood is spilled, suddenly the soft approach is the one to emulate. It is a case of selective amnesia worthy of a politician seeking reelection.
So let us play this farce out. Let the delegation from San Diego visit the constabularies of Manchester and Birmingham. Let them marvel at the sight of officers engaging with local imams and schoolchildren. Let them ignore the fact that those same cities have suffered some of the worst terror attacks in British history. Let them return home, implement the model, and watch as it fails spectacularly in a society that worships the gun.
And when the next attack happens, because it will, the British model will be wheeled out again, polished, and pronounced as the only solution. We will have learned nothing, and the cycle will continue. It is all so dreadfully British: a stiff upper lip, a cup of tea, and a quiet resignation to the fact that we are all living in a world gone mad.
In the end, perhaps the only sensible response is to pour yourself a large gin and tonic, sit back, and watch the circus. After all, we are but clowns in this tragicomedy, and the show must go on.
