In a development that has sent tremors through the corridors of global footballing power, South Korean fans have risen up against their national team coach, brandishing pitchforks made of kimchi jars and demanding the immediate installation of the UK Premier League model. Yes, that same Premier League model where billionaires park their yachts in the pockets of club owners, VAR decisions are as coherent as a pigeon on amphetamines, and the only thing flowing more freely than the beer is the pure, unadulterated bullshit. But apparently, to the discerning football aficionado in Seoul, this is the holy grail.
A golden fleece. A single malt of managerial competency compared to whatever lukewarm tap water they've been served. The rage, we are told, is palpable.
Forums are ablaze with the kind of fury usually reserved for someone putting pineapple on a perfectly good pizza. They want accountability. They want flair.
They want a system where a manager can spout platitudes about 'character' and 'the lads gave everything' before being fired six matches in, only to be replaced by another suit whose entire philosophy is based on a yellowing copy of 'Inverting the Pyramid' and a spreadsheet that doesn't account for human error. Oh, and let's not forget the crowning jewel of the British model: the academy. A system that churns out homegrown heroes, hyped to the stratosphere, only to see them loaned out to the Championship and sold for a profit that buys another Brazilian teenager.
But don't tell that to the mob in Seoul. They have tasted the sweet nectar of English football's hype machine, and they are hooked. They want the pantomime of press conferences where journalists ask questions about 'mentality' and 'group dynamics' as if managing a football team is akin to negotiating a Middle East peace treaty.
They want the ridiculous transfer fees, the agent-driven dramas, the sight of a centre-back worth more than a small nation hoisting a trophy paid for by Gulf state oil money. This is progress, apparently. The UK Premier League model, a system so refined that it makes the British class system look like a meritocracy, is now the standard against which all footballing nations must be judged.
So hoist a lukewarm cup of Tetley's, South Korea. You've earned your place in the circus. Just mind the gap between expectation and reality.
It's wider than the Thames.
