In a revelation that will surprise absolutely no one outside of a boardroom, Shell has been caught red-handed pumping oil through Nigeria like a drunk uncle at a wedding, shamelessly ignoring the environmental carnage in its wake. The British government, ever the watchdog with a blindfold, is now 'holding companies accountable' – a phrase that translates to a sternly worded letter and a discount on future fines.
Let us set the scene: the Niger Delta, a region so saturated with crude that fish have developed a taste for premium unleaded. Shell, that paragon of corporate virtue, has been merrily extracting black gold while local communities develop third gills and a peculiar glow. The report, released by a coalition of lawyers with spines, details how Shell continued operations despite knowing the pipelines were more hole than pipe. It is, in the grand tradition of colonialism, a masterclass in externalising costs onto people who cannot afford lawyers.
And what of British accountability? Ah, the sweet symphony of parliamentary committees. MPs will tut, shake heads, and promise 'robust discussions' over tea and biscuits. Meanwhile, Shell's PR machine will issue a statement expressing 'deep concern' and a commitment to 'clean-up operations' that will begin in a decade and end in a press release. The real accountability, of course, will be measured in quarterly profits, which remain as robust as a gin and tonic in a heatwave.
This is not news. This is a rerun. Shell has been doing this since before most of us were born, and they will continue until the last drop of oil is drawn from the earth or the last lawyer retires to the Cayman Islands. The British government, for all its talk of green transitions and ethical capitalism, is about as effective as a chocolate teapot in a sauna. They will hold Shell accountable in the same way I hold my flatmate accountable for eating my yoghurt: with a sigh and a passive-aggressive note.
So here is my advice to the good people of the Niger Delta: do not hold your breath. Invest in bilge pumps and hazard suits. And to the British government: if you truly wish to hold companies accountable, try a jail cell instead of a conference room. But we all know that won't happen. The wheels of justice grind slowly, and they are well lubricated with Shell's profits.
As for me, I'll be at the bar, raising a glass to the great charade. Cheers, Shell. You've earned it.
