Yes, you read that correctly. A row over the television remote, a misplaced jar of pickles, or perhaps an argument about the correct way to fold a fitted sheet has resulted in six corpses in an Iowa living room. The domestic dispute, which police have described as ‘unprecedented in its banality’, has once again left the international community clutching its collective pearls and sighing, ‘Of course it was America.’
Let us not mince words. While the rest of the developed world has been patting itself on the back for reducing gun deaths to levels not seen since the invention of the butter knife, the United States has gallantly soldiered on, ensuring that the phrase ‘Second Amendment’ remains a death sentence for anyone who happens to be within spitting distance of a relative with a grudge and a Glock.
Indeed, global gun violence has hit a new low. Hoorah. Champagne corks are popping from Oslo to Auckland. But in America, we have managed to transform a domestic squabble into a mass casualty event. Six people dead. Not from a terrorist plot. Not from a gangland shootout. From a family argument so trivial that the details are almost too embarrassing to print.
The suspect, a 47-year-old man whose name will be forgotten by the time this article reaches your eyeballs, allegedly opened fire after what police are calling a ‘domestic disturbance’. The neighbour, interviewed through a mouthful of corn dog, described the deceased as ‘nice folks, real quiet, kept to themselves’. The perfect American tragedy: a script written by fate, produced by the NRA, and directed by a complete and utter lack of common sense.
Now, you may be thinking, ‘Surely there must be more to it. Surely this is a sign of something deeper, something systemic.’ And you would be correct. It is a sign that America has decided, as a nation, that the right to bear arms is more sacred than the right to not be shot by your uncle over a dispute about recycling bins. It is a sign that we have looked at the rest of the world, seen their reasonable gun laws and plummeting death rates, and said, ‘No thank you, we prefer our freedom seasoned with the occasional massacre.’
But let us not dwell on the tragedy. Let us dwell on the absurdity. Because that is what will sustain us. The sheer, magnificent absurdity of a society that has convinced itself that the solution to rampant gun violence is more guns. That the answer to a man with a temper is a semi-automatic rifle. That the Second Amendment is a suicide pact, and we are all honour-bound to see it through.
So raise a glass of gin, dear reader. Raise a glass to the Iowa Six, who died so that a man could make a point about his precious rights. And raise another glass to the global community, who have finally managed to get their act together while America continues to play Russian roulette with its own citizens. Cheers.
