In a development that has sent shivers through the corridors of the UK Space Agency and the Ministry of Elaborate Accidents, a British national has met his maker via a Spanish paraglider. The deceased, a Mr. Algernon P.
Smythe-Worthington, 47, from Tunbridge Wells, was enjoying a holiday in the Sierra Nevada when a local enthusiast's paraglider decided to turn his skull into a landing pad. Authorities are baffled as to how this constitutes a 'space safety' issue, but the UK Space Agency has nonetheless convened an emergency committee to investigate the 'aerospace implications' of a paraglider hitting a man. Witnesses report a loud thwack and then a gentleman saying 'Oh, I say' before expiring with a dignity that only the English can muster while being flattened by a foreign kite.
The Spanish paraglider, identified as Juan Carlos Fernandez, 34, has been released without charge, citing 'insufficient air law' and the fact that no one in Spain actually cares. Mr. Smythe-Worthington's family have released a statement expressing 'deep concern' that the government is wasting time on this while the real crisis of warm gin in airports continues unabated.
The UK Space Agency, in a statement of breathtaking pomposity, said: 'We are monitoring the situation closely and have made inquiries to our Spanish counterparts regarding the conformity of the paraglider to British Standard BS EN 1651:2018 for harnesses.' This reporter, for one, believes that the real story here is that Mr. Smythe-Worthington's watch stopped at the moment of impact.
A Seiko. Quartz. It didn't even have the decency to smash properly.
The British government has announced a full inquiry, which is expected to cost £4 million and conclude that paragliders should have been 'actively discouraged' 20 years ago. Meanwhile, in related news, a man in Bradford was hit by a falling pigeon and is considering legal action against the Royal Air Force.
