In what can only be described as a masterclass in diplomatic pyromania, the White House has confirmed that a telephone conversation between President Donald Trump and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has careened off the rails with the subtlety of a drunken rhinoceros in a crystal shop. British diplomats, who had been meticulously crafting a position of leverage like a spider spinning a web of gin and paperclips, are now scrambling to salvage something from the wreckage.
The call, which sources describe as 'robust' (diplomat-speak for 'shouting match with occasional flurries of Yiddish and Mar-a-Lago braggadocio'), reportedly derailed delicate negotiations regarding Iran's nuclear ambitions. Trump, apparently referring to a briefing document that was actually a menu from a steakhouse, allegedly suggested that the whole Middle East problem could be solved if everyone just 'made a deal like I did with Kim Jong-un, who is a very stable genius, by the way.' Netanyahu, for his part, is said to have countered with a proposal to rename the Golan Heights 'Trump Gardens' in exchange for a green light on annexation.
The Foreign Office in London, that hallowed hall of tweed and understatement, is now reported to be 'monitoring the situation' while simultaneously attempting to locate the nearest source of strong tea and even stronger gin. A senior diplomat, speaking on condition of anonymity (or possibly because he had his face in a gin and tonic), opined: 'We had a perfectly good framework. We were going to use our special relationship as a fulcrum to lever some influence. Now that fulcrum appears to be a pool floatie with a picture of a cartoon bomb on it.'
Downing Street has thus far remained silent, which in political terms is the equivalent of a man standing in a burning building shouting 'Everything is fine.' But one cannot help but wonder: at what point does the special relationship become less a partnership and more a co-dependent spiral into the abyss?
This is, after all, a relationship that has survived the Suez Crisis, the Iraq War, and the revelation that a British diplomat once compared Trump's hair to a 'bottle of radioactive candy floss.' But this latest debacle suggests that the ties that bind are now frayed to the point of being held together with hope and a single staple.
As for the Iran talks, experts predict a prolonged period of 'constructive ambiguity,' which is diplomatic code for 'we have absolutely no idea what we're doing.' Meanwhile, in a statement that was either profound or the ramblings of a man who had consumed one too many miniatures of Gordon's, a White House source declared: 'The President took a very presidential call. He discussed many things. It was tremendous. It was the greatest call ever. Everyone says so.'
In related news, British gin distillers have reported a 400% spike in sales to the Foreign Office.
