In a development that has sent the usual suspects into a frothing panic, a man with a knife and a grudge has introduced Geneva's main train station to the concept of 'rush hour with extra seasoning.' Witnesses described scenes of chaos as the assailant, reportedly shouting something unintelligible about the price of Gruyère, lunged at passengers with a blade that was probably not Swiss Army brand. Three people are now nursing wounds and a renewed sense of existential dread, while our gallant counter-terror police have rushed to share intelligence with their Swiss counterparts, presumably over a nice fondue and a packet of Hobnobs.
The British response was, as ever, predictably bureaucratic: a sternly worded email, followed by a PowerPoint presentation titled 'Knife Crime Prevention: A Comparative Analysis of Alpine and Urban Strategies.' Meanwhile, the suspect, a 29-year-old asylum seeker with a history of mental health issues, has been apprehended and is now being treated to the full hospitality of the Swiss legal system, which will doubtless involve a lot of forms and a very long wait for an appointment. The Home Secretary has already issued a statement expressing 'deep concern' and offering the full support of the British state, which is essentially like offering a plaster to a man who has just been shot.
In other news, the price of gin in airport lounges remains scandalously high, and I for one think that's the real crisis we should be focusing on. But no, we must instead endure hours of news coverage featuring earnest talking heads discussing 'lone wolf' attacks and the 'radicalisation of kitchen utensils.' Mark my words, the only thing that will be stabbed here is common sense.
