In a turn of events that would make a platypus blush, an Australian ex-minister has launched a crowd-funded inquiry into the Aukus submarine deal, because apparently the fate of the free world can now be secured with a GoFundMe and a few dozen meat pies. The Right Honourable Barnaby ‘The Rhino’ Joyce (no, not the one who wrote Ulysses, the one who can’t find it on a map) has decided that the only way to get to the bottom of this $368 billion squid-ridden underwater boondoggle is to ask the public for loose change. The implications for UK security are, as ever, both terrifying and hilarious.
Our Special Correspondent, a man who once hid in a paper bin outside the MoD to overhear a conversation about ketchup sachets, has uncovered the following: The Aukus deal, for those of you who’ve been living under a rock (or a submarine), is a pact between Australia, the UK, and the US to build nuclear-powered submarines. This has upset the French, who were left at the altar like a jilted lover with a baguette. Now, Joyce, a man whose political career has been wobblier than a jelly on a trampoline, wants to know if the deal is actually a secret plot to turn Sydney Harbour into a car park for underwater missile platforms.
But here’s the kicker, the real sub-sandwich of the story: crowdfunding. Yes, the great British and Australian public are being asked to dip into their pockets to fund an inquiry that the government likely already knows the answers to but won’t tell you because they’re too busy eating smiley-faced biscuits at Cabinet meetings. The goal is presumably to raise enough for a few packets of Tim Tams and a tin of baked beans for Joyce to sustain himself through the rigours of asking uncomfortable questions.
Let us dissect this with the precision of a drunk surgeon. First, the name: ‘Aukus’. It sounds like a brand of cheap, nut-based spread you’d find in a petrol station. The acronym itself is a masterclass in diplomatic farting. Why not call it something sensible, like ‘Three Nations, One Very Large Tube’? Because that would imply competence.
The UK security implications are, of course, immense. We are committing billions to subsidise Australian naval ambitions while our own ships rust in port like the tin cans in my grandmother’s pantry. The submarines, when completed, will be so advanced they can detect a drop of gin from 40 miles away. I know this because I spilled my G&T on a classified memo at a bar in Whitehall. The MoD was not amused. But they can’t fire me because I’m not actually employed.
Joyce’s inquiry, if it ever gets off the ground (or underwater), will likely ask the following: Are we being had? Is this just a ploy to make the UK look relevant on the world stage? And most importantly, will the submarines have a working microwave? Current models only have a kettle, which is frankly unacceptable for any vessel planning to patrol the Pacific for months on end.
But the real story, the one the ex-minister won’t touch, is the sheer audacity of the crowdfund. It’s a masterstroke of political theatre. By asking the public for money, Joyce is simultaneously highlighting the failure of due process and creating a sideshow that will distract everyone until the next election. It’s brilliant in a way that makes you want to weep into your Weetabix.
In conclusion, the Aukus submarine deal is a multibillion-dollar solution to a problem that doesn’t exist: China’s naval expansion. The crowdfunded inquiry is a solution to a problem that also doesn’t exist: accountability. The only thing that exists is the gin in my glass and the nagging feeling that we’re all being submarined by reality.
As I file this report, my editor is screaming at me to get a real job. But I shan’t. I shall instead launch my own crowdfund to investigate why British crisps packets are always only half full. It’s the real scandal. Stay tuned.
