In a move that has sent shockwaves through the White House faster than a gin-spiked morning coffee, the Supreme Court has ruled that birthright citizenship cannot be arbitrarily dismantled by executive tantrum. The decision, delivered with the solemnity of a hangover on a Monday, effectively shoves Donald Trump’s immigration agenda into a blender and hits puree. The President, who had been banking on a compliant judiciary to rubber-stamp his nativist fantasies, is said to be 'disappointed' which in Trump-speak means 'apoplectic with rage and tweeting furiously'.
Justice Roberts, writing for the majority, delivered a masterclass in constitutional jurisprudence, reminding all that the 14th Amendment is not a suggestion box. This ruling is a victory for every child born on American soil, every migrant who crossed deserts and rivers seeking a better life, and every bartender who has to listen to politicians spout nonsense. The dissenting opinions, penned by the court’s conservative wing, read like a fever dream of alternative facts, arguing that the phrase 'subject to the jurisdiction thereof' actually means 'subject to presidential whim'.
Alas, the law is not a choose-your-own-adventure novel, much to the chagrin of the reality-television-star-turned-commander-in-chief. The real question now is: what will Trump do next? Declare a national emergency over the non-existent invasion of bilingual babies?
Demand Mexico pay for the wall around the judiciary? The possibilities are as endless as his comb-over. For now, we raise a glass of lukewarm tap water to the Supreme Court for doing its job better than the White House does its hair.
