In a shocking display of self-preservation Brits have finally discovered that holiday destinations embroiled in conflict might not provide the relaxing getaway they crave. New figures reveal Spanish tourist numbers have surged to record levels as the great British public collectively decides that perhaps a spot of civil unrest in the Middle East might not be the ideal backdrop for a family selfie.
Indeed it appears the average holidaymaker has undergone a sudden geopolitical awakening realising that bombs and sunbeds do not a perfect combination make. Tour operators report a stampede towards the Costas with bookings skyrocketing faster than a vodka shot at an all-inclusive resort.
‘It’s the triumph of common sense,’ declared a travel industry insider, barely containing their glee between sips of champagne. ‘People have finally realised that a holiday in a war zone lacks certain amenities: reliable running water, functioning airports, and the guarantee you won’t be kidnapped by masked gunmen. It’s a revolution in holiday planning.’
Meanwhile Spanish hoteliers have responded with a collective shrug and an uptick in sangria prices as they welcome the influx of pale, sun-deprived Britons desperate for a paella-induced food coma. The Balearic Islands have reportedly run out of factor 50 sun cream and the word ‘siesta’ has been trademarked by the Ministry of Tourism to prevent overuse by giddy foreigners.
The British government has issued a travel advisory reminding citizens that Spain is indeed still in Europe and not currently on fire. Foreign Secretary James Claridge was quoted as saying: ‘I am delighted that my countrymen have finally consulted a map before booking their summer getaway. The Middle East will still be there when you’ve finished your paella.’
As for the reasons behind this sudden geopolitical savvy analysts point to a combination of factors: the relentless heatwave frying British brains to a crisp, the collapse of reliable Wi-Fi in conflict zones rendering Instagram updates impossible, and a deep-seated fear of accidentally buying a timeshare in a war-torn region.
But let us not be too cynical. This is a triumph of conscious consumerism: a decision to value life over a bargain flight. It’s a brave new world where the discerning traveller prefers the gentle risk of sunstroke to the more immediate peril of shrapnel. And if the biggest drama in Benidorm is whether to order another round of shots or risk the third-degree burns from the midday sun, so be it.
The sun lounger wars of Spain may escalate to unprecedented levels, but at least the only snipers are those armed with beach towels marking their territory. God save the queen, and pass the sangria.
