In a twist that would make even the most convoluted Taylor Swift bridge seem straightforward, an Austrian man has been sentenced to 15 years for plotting an attack on the singer’s Vienna concert. The plot, foiled by a combination of British intelligence (who apparently have nothing better to do than monitor Swifties) and Austrian police, has been hailed as a triumph of cross-border cooperation. Or perhaps just a sign that no one is safe from the scourge of both terrorism and bad pop music.
The suspect, a 19-year-old with the charisma of a damp dishcloth, reportedly admired ISIS and planned to use knives and homemade explosives to create his own twisted version of a ‘bad blood’ moment. He was caught after British spies, presumably sipping tea and intercepting WhatsApp messages, tipped off their Austrian counterparts. The arrest came just days before Swift’s concert, sparing fans from a real-life ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ scenario and ensuring that the only tears shed were from joy at hearing ‘Shake It Off’ live.
British security services have been praised for their vigilance, though one can’t help but wonder if this is simply PR spin for the fact that they spend more time monitoring Taylor Swift ticket sales than actual threats. The suspect’s lawyer argued that his client was a ‘lonely young man’ influenced by online radicalisation, which is a bit like blaming the apple for falling from the tree while ignoring the gravity. The judge, presumably not a Swift fan, threw the book at him, declaring that ‘music should never be a target of hate.’ Unless it’s Nickelback, apparently.
Meanwhile, the Austrian interior minister praised the collaboration as a ‘monumental success for security,’ though one suspects the real victory was ensuring that thousands of Swifties didn’t have their sequined outfits ruined by shrapnel. The concert went ahead without incident, with Swift herself reportedly unaware until after the fact. Because if there’s one thing we know, it’s that Taylor Swift is too busy writing breakup songs to worry about terrorist plots.
In the end, justice was served, the show went on, and the only thing that was truly shaken off was any illusion that online radicalisation isn’t a serious problem. But let’s raise a gin to the intelligence services: for once, they managed to stop a plot before it became a tragedy. Now if only they could do something about the price of concert tickets.
