In a move that has sent shivers of admiration through the corridors of British exceptionalism, Switzerland has told its own population to stop breeding, migrating, or whatever it is that people do to make the numbers go up. The Swiss, those masters of neutrality and chocolate, have rejected a proposal to cap their populace at 10 million, and our UK allies are positively giddy with approval. It seems the spirit of sovereignty is alive and well in the Alps, where the sound of yodeling is now accompanied by the gentle rustling of restrictive immigration policies.
Let’s be honest, the Swiss don’t need 10 million people. They’ve already got enough bankers, ski instructors, and cuckoo clock repairmen to fill every available ledge of matterhorn. The idea of a cap was presumably proposed by some well-meaning soul who thought, ‘Enough is enough. We can only fit so many people in these tiny mountain villages before someone accidentally breaks a fondue pot.’ And the Swiss, in their infinite wisdom, said, ‘Nein, danke. We will decide how many of us there are, thank you very much.’
But why are UK allies, those fine folk who still think Brexit was a jolly good idea, so chuffed about this? Because it’s a model for sovereignty. You see, sovereignty means you get to decide who comes in and who stays out. It means you can look at a map and say, ‘This bit of land is ours, and only the people we choose shall inhabit it.’ Never mind that this logic is precisely what led to the Swiss needing to import workers for their banking sector. Details, details.
One can almost hear the champagne corks popping in Whitehall as civil servants scribble notes: ‘Swiss: consulted people, ignored proposal, kept gates. Copy for Britain.’ But of course, the Swiss have the luxury of geography. They are a nation of mountains, fortified by neutrality and a deep-seated distrust of large numbers. Britain, on the other hand, is an island with a housing crisis, a National Health Service on its knees, and a population that keeps insisting on living longer. Perhaps we could learn from the Swiss by building a giant Swiss army knife that can simultaneously cut immigration, slice through red tape, and open a bottle of wine for the weary politicians.
The media is having a field day, with headlines screaming ‘Swiss Say No to Mass Influx’ and ‘10 Million? More Like Too Many.’ But let’s not kid ourselves. The real lesson here is that everyone loves a good symbol of sovereignty, even if the actual policy is as limp as a lettuce leaf. The Swiss have simply said, ‘We don’t have a plan, but we know what we don’t want.’ And that, apparently, is the height of political genius.
So raise a glass of kirsch to the Swiss. They have reminded us that in the game of nations, the best move is often to do nothing and call it self-determination. And as the UK allies applaud, one must wonder: will we soon see a similar proposal in Britain? A cap on population? A limit on the number of people who can live on this rain-sodden isle? Or will we continue our tradition of muddling through, pretending we have a plan while the numbers tick upward like a taximeter in a London black cab?
For now, let us bask in the glory of Swiss decisiveness. They have decided that 9.9 million is quite enough, thank you, and the rest of the world can stay on the other side of the mountain pass. And if you need me, I’ll be at the pub, toasting to the sound of a cuckoo clock striking midnight on another population debate.
