GENEVA. In a move that has sent shockwaves through the fondue-scented corridors of power, Switzerland has announced a referendum on capping its population at a tidy 10 million. Because nothing says 'direct democracy' quite like a nationwide vote on whether to politely close the door on the next million souls who might fancy a bit of mountain air and a tax-efficient bank account.
Let us be clear: this is not a proposal to build a wall topped with Toblerone and guarded by yodeling sentinels. No, this is far more insidious. This is a nation looking at its own success and deciding that the only logical response is to nip future growth in the bud, like a meticulous gardener with a pair of very sharp secateurs aimed squarely at the demographic stem.
The referendum, brought to you by the Swiss People's Party, those cheerful realists who clearly believe that the greatest threat to the nation is not climate change or economic stagnation but the possibility of someone having to queue for a cable car. Their logic is as follows: Switzerland is full. There are only so many cowbells, only so many alphorns, and only so much room in the banks for ill-gotten gains from around the world. Therefore, at 10 million and one, they will simply say 'Nein Danke' and hand out deportation notices for the next pregnant woman who dares to conceive within the canton of Zurich.
But let us not be too hasty in our mockery. For this, dear readers, is a mirror held up not to the Alps but to a certain damp island nation currently flailing about in the post-Brexit fog. Yes, Britain. The land that once ruled the waves now rules only the queue at the Jobcentre, and its immigration policy is a shambles of points-based systems and hostile environments that would make a Swiss banker blush.
The British government, in its infinite wisdom, has spent the last few years trying to convince us that we can have our cake and eat it, only to discover that the cake is actually a stale rusk and the plate is on fire. They have erected metaphorical barriers to entry while simultaneously failing to deport anyone who might actually be a problem, preferring instead to hound retirees who forgot to renew their leave to remain. The Swiss, at least, are honest about their intentions. They want fewer people. They are willing to vote on it. Britain, by contrast, wants fewer immigrants but also wants the cheap labour, the international students, and the prestige that comes with being a 'global Britain.' It is a contradiction that would be tragic if it were not so deliciously farcical.
One can almost picture Boris Johnson, that bovine monument to entitlement, gazing across the Channel with envy. 'They get to have a vote on population numbers,' he might mutter, before scribbling a manifesto pledge to 'stop the boats' on a napkin stained with curry sauce. Meanwhile, the actual policy consists of asylum seekers being housed in barges and detention centres that would make HMP Belmarsh look like a holiday camp. The cruelty, as ever, is the point.
But back to Switzerland. Let us consider the implications of a population cap. It means that if you are Swiss and you fall in love with a foreigner, you must either renounce your citizenship or move to the UK, where the only cap is on the number of available rental properties. It means that the Swiss economy, built on the backs of foreign workers who clean the hotels and manage the hedge funds, will wither like a forgotten Edelweiss. It means that the next Einstein, born in a Mumbai slum, will be denied the chance to patent his theories in a country where the patent office is staffed by cuckoo clocks.
But who are we to judge? We, who have a prime minister who once said that 'fuck business' is a legitimate economic strategy. We, who have a housing crisis that would make a Swiss population cap look like a minor inconvenience. The British immigration system is a shambles of bureaucracy and pointlessness, where the only thing that is capped is common sense. The Swiss, at least, have a plan. It is a stupid, xenophobic, and ultimately self-defeating plan, but it is a plan nonetheless. And in the current global climate, that might just be enough to get them through the next election.
So raise a glass of overpriced gin to the Swiss initiative. It is a reminder that the madness is not confined to our own green and pleasant land. It is a reminder that the world has gone stark, staring bonkers. And it is a reminder that, when the hordes of desperate people come knocking on the doors of plenty, the only thing that separates us from a nation of well-fed, orderly xenophobes is a few decimal points on the population graph.
As for me, I shall be pouring a large one and watching the referendum results with the morbid fascination of a man who has already resigned himself to a future where the only immigration allowed is the importation of decent cheese.
