In a shocking display of maritime responsibility, dozens of oil tankers have bravely crossed the Strait of Hormuz, their hulls glistening with the sweat of global capitalism, all under the watchful eye of Her Majesty's Navy. Because nothing says 'sovereign trade' quite like having a floating warship escort your petrol through a narrow channel flanked by hostile theocracies. The British Navy, in a rare moment of actual utility, has been deployed to ensure that the flow of black gold continues uninterrupted, presumably so we can all continue to drive our SUVs to the supermarket for a single baguette.
The Ministry of Defence, in a press release that reeked of bureaucratic glee, announced that 'Operation Trade Wind' is proceeding smoothly, which is military jargon for 'we haven't been blown up yet.' One naval officer, speaking on condition of anonymity (and a stiff gin), described the operation as 'like herding cats, if the cats were 300,000 tonnes of explosive liquid and the herders had surface-to-air missiles.' The tankers, registered in flags of convenience from Panama to the Marshall Islands, are carrying enough oil to power a thousand boardroom meetings and lubricate the wheels of international hypocrisy.
Meanwhile, Iran's Revolutionary Guard watched from the shore, polishing their speedboats and muttering about 'Great Satans' and 'arrogant navies.' But the show must go on, and the show is a slow procession of floating environmental disasters, protected by the Royal Navy's finest, all in the name of keeping your central heating on. Bravo.
Bravissimo. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to pour a very large gin and ponder the inherent absurdity of maritime security.
