In a move that has sent a shiver down the spine of every secular humanist and gin-swilling liberal this side of the Atlantic, the great state of Texas has decided that the Good Book is no longer just for Sunday school. No, no. From now on, the Bible will be read aloud in classrooms, alongside maths and the inevitable disappointment of PE. The Texas Board of Education, clearly believing that the separation of church and state was merely a suggestion, has mandated that Bible stories be taught as part of the primary school curriculum. Because nothing says 'critical thinking' like unquestioning acceptance of talking snakes and parting seas.
Over at the Foreign Office, Sir Humphrey's monocle has practically shattered. In a statement that was as cautious as it was predictable, a spokesperson expressed 'deep concern' over the erosion of religious liberty. 'We are monitoring the situation closely,' they said, which in diplomatic parlance means 'we will do absolutely nothing while tutting over a cup of tea.' One can only imagine the frantic back-and-forth of cables as the FO debates whether to issue a strongly worded letter or simply shake their heads in slow motion.
Let us be honest, dear reader. The Bible is a magnificent piece of literature. It has everything: murder, betrayal, sex, and a moderately decent flood story. But making it compulsory reading for impressionable young minds is like forcing them to swallow a seven-course meal before they have developed a taste for anything beyond fish fingers. The Texas authorities argue that it is for 'cultural literacy.' But we all know what that means. It is a Trojan horse, rolled into the schoolyard, filled not with Greeks but with dogma, judgement, and a distinct lack of irony.
I can already see the scene in a Texan classroom: little Timmy, aged seven, is asked to explain the parable of the Good Samaritan. He gets bonus points if he can identify the modern-day equivalent of a Samaritan. (Hint, it's probably not a Democrat.) Meanwhile, his classmate Abigail is quietly crying in the corner because the story of Noah's Ark gave her a panic attack about climate change. But never mind, the state has decreed that this is educational, so it must be good for them.
The irony, of course, is that this mandate arrives just as the UK is wrestling with its own relationship with religion. The Church of England is in decline, the Archbishop of Canterbury is all but begging people to come back, and our own government has been accused of eroding religious freedoms by not being Christian enough. But we do not force children to read the Bible. We let them discover the joy of creationism on their own, usually through a disappointing YouTube video.
So what does this mean for UK-US relations? Probably nothing. The special relationship has survived worse: the Boston Tea Party, the War of 1812, and the time Donald Trump retweeted a video of himself wrestling a CNN logo. But it is yet another reminder that across the pond, there are people who genuinely believe that the answer to educational failure is more Jesus. It is the educational equivalent of putting a plaster on a bullet wound and then praying for a miracle.
In conclusion, Texas has decided that the Bible is suitable for classroom consumption. The Foreign Office is concerned. And I am off to the pub to drown my sorrows in a gin and tonic, because at this rate, gin will be the only thing left that is not mandated by the state.
