So Colombia, a country better known for emeralds, coffee, and Pablo Escobar’s leftover hippos, now offers us a presidential runoff that could make Brexit look like a polite disagreement. The headline is stark: a pro-Trump candidate, one Hernando de la Vega (I shall call him the Bogotá Bulldog for brevity), has surged to the final round, and he is promising to tear up trade agreements with the United Kingdom. This is not a drill. This is the sort of geopolitical theatre that makes one reach for a stiff sherry before noon.
Let us first acknowledge the sheer absurdity of the situation. Colombia, a nation that has spent decades trying to convince the world it is more than narcotraffickers and telenovelas, now threatens to toss away a perfectly serviceable trade deal with Britain. The deal, signed with much fanfare in 2020 as a post-Brexit sop to global Britain, is worth roughly £1.2 billion annually. Modest, yes, but symbolically crucial for a government that insists it can thrive outside the EU’s orbit. And now the Bogotá Bulldog wants to scrap it. Why? Because he loves Donald Trump and hates what he calls “British globalist wokeness.” One almost suspects he has confused Britain with the Castro regime.
De la Vega’s platform is a masterclass in intellectual decadence. He rails against “cultural Marxism,” praises the January 6th rioters, and has promised to move Colombia’s embassy to Jerusalem. This is not policy. This is performance art for a base that watches too much Fox News on satellite. But here is the rub: Colombia’s economy is fragile. Inflation is rampant. The peace process with FARC dissidents is crumbling. And his opponent, a centrist economist named Maria Torres, actually has a plan. Yet the Bulldog is polling neck and neck, because populism, like a bad smell, tends to linger.
For Britain, this is a wake-up call wrapped in a farce. We have spent five years boasting about our independent trade policy, signing deals with Australia, New Zealand, and indeed Colombia. But what happens when those partners elect governments that despise everything we represent? The Colombian electorate, if it chooses de la Vega, will be voting for a man who openly derides the “Anglosphere” as a decadent club of globalists. He prefers the company of Viktor Orbán and Jair Bolsonaro. This is the new axis of annoyance.
One might laugh if the stakes were lower. But consider the historical parallels. We have seen this before: the fall of the Roman Republic saw populists like Clodius Pulcher using street gangs to intimidate the Senate. The Victorian era watched Benjamin Disraeli warn against the “two nations” of rich and poor. Now we have the Bogotá Bulldog threatening to unilaterally cancel trade deals because he dislikes the British prime minister’s stance on climate change. It is intellectual decadence dressed in a cheap suit.
I must ask: What is the point of a trade deal if one party can simply renounce it because of ideological pique? This is not diplomacy. This is hostage-taking. And Britain’s response so far has been tepid, issuing statements about “monitoring the situation.” We need to grow a spine. If de la Vega wins, we should immediately suspend all aid and tariff preferences. Let him explain to Colombian coffee farmers why their access to the British market is gone because he wanted to own the libs.
But I am an optimist. Perhaps Colombian voters will see through the Bulldog’s bluster. Perhaps the spectre of economic isolation will remind them that trade is not a game of ideological purity. Or perhaps we are all doomed to watch the Bogotá Bulldog trash the very concept of global cooperation. Either way, pass the sherry.
