In a move that has sent tremors through the global diplomatic establishment, Xi Jinping has deigned to visit the Hermit Kingdom for a chinwag with Kim Jong Un. The last time a Chinese leader darkened Pyongyang's doorstep was 14 years ago, which, in political terms, is roughly equivalent to the gap between the Beatles and the Bay City Rollers. One can only imagine the frantic scrubbing of monuments, the frantic rehearsals of the mass games, and the frantic searching for a diplomatic translator who can turn 'denuclearisation' into a phrase that doesn't involve immediate artillery strikes.
This isn't just a summit. This is a masterclass in détente. Xi, the man who recently anointed himself president-for-life in all but name, will stroll through Kim's perfectly manicured capital (no, really, have you seen the grass?) and pretend that this chubby, rocket-obsessed autocrat is a legitimate head of state. Meanwhile, Trump is probably on Twitter, tweeting about how he 'solved North Korea' while his own envoy sits twiddling his thumbs in a Washington hotel room. The sheer audacity is breathtaking.
Let's be clear: Pyongyang is not a holiday destination. It's a place where the only air conditioning comes from the cold, hard stare of a statue. Xi will be treated to a display of military prowess that would make a tinpot dictator blush, possibly involving synchronised artillery drills set to a jaunty folk tune. Kim will likely gift Xi a framed picture of his grandfather, which Xi will accept with the same enthusiasm as a vegan receiving a hamper of pork scratchings. The symbolism is overwhelming, the substance negligible.
What are they actually going to talk about? The economy? North Korea's economy is so opaque that even the International Monetary Fund would need a Ouija board. Sanctions? China can't lift them without upsetting its other neighbours, but it can whisper sweet nothings about 'peace and stability' while Kim continues to lob missiles over Japan. It's a farce. A beautifully choreographed, media-managed, black-tie-and-military-uniform farce.
And let's not forget the optics. Xi, the master of the staged photograph, will be captured shaking hands with a man who starves his people and imprisons them for watching South Korean soap operas. The Western press, ever the hypocrites, will tut-tut while simultaneously publishing 17 different angles of that same handshake. It's a diplomatic dance where everyone knows the steps but no one admits it's a waltz around the abyss.
So raise a glass of dubious gin (it's all there is in Pyongyang) to the art of the necessary lie. Xi is going to North Korea because China needs allies, and Kim needs a friend with deep pockets. The rest of us can only watch, bemused, as history repeats itself as farce. Or perhaps as a tragicomedy. Either way, the drinks are on me. Or on Xi. His travel budget is probably endless.
