In a move that has sent shivers of delight down the spines of constitutional experts and pure unadulterated terror through the last remaining bastions of legal decorum, Donald Trump has announced his intention to nominate the indomitable, the irrepressible, the utterly unqualified Blanche as his permanent Attorney General. This, my friends, is not merely a blow to the rule of law. This is a full-frontal assault by a herd of drunken rhinoceroses on the very concept of justice, leaving nothing but a smoking crater where the Department of Justice used to stand.
Let us first consider the timing. The announcement comes on the heels of a week so chaotic that even the most seasoned political watchers have taken to drinking before breakfast. Trump, fresh from a golf course where he reportedly accused a tree of cheating, has decided that the only way to fix the 'broken' legal system is to place a man who once defended a reality TV star in a paternity suit (and won by arguing that the DNA test was rigged by the illuminati) at its helm. Blanche, whose previous legal experience includes a stint as the attorney for a chain of taxidermy shops and a brief, unsuccessful attempt to sue the weather, is now poised to become the chief law enforcement officer of the United States.
The reaction from the legal community has been, to put it mildly, apoplectic. The American Bar Association released a statement that read, in part, 'This is the worst idea since someone suggested putting wheels on luggage.' Retired Supreme Court justices have been seen weeping into their sherry. Even the statue of Lady Justice outside the Supreme Court reportedly rolled her eyes so hard she sprained her ocular muscles.
But let us not be too hasty in our condemnation. Perhaps Blanche is exactly what America needs. A man who believes that the Constitution is 'a bit overrated, like avocado toast' and that the role of the Attorney General is to 'make sure the President never has to feel sad about losing a lawsuit.' His platform, as gleaned from a series of increasingly incoherent tweets, includes abolishing the concept of 'innocent until proven guilty' (it's 'too expensive'), replacing all federal judges with fans from his Facebook page, and declaring waterboarding a 'fun Friday activity.'
Critics argue that this nomination is a flagrant violation of the separation of powers, the rule of law, and basic common sense. Supporters, on the other hand, point out that Blanche once successfully defended a man accused of stealing a chicken by arguing that the chicken was 'asking for it.' The logic is unassailable.
As we stand on the precipice of this new era, one thing is clear: the rule of law is not merely wounded. It is being dragged through the streets, tarred and feathered, and forced to listen to a 12-hour podcast about the virtues of tax evasion. But who are we to judge? After all, as Blanche himself once said in a deposition, 'The law is what you can get away with.' And if that's the standard, then he is, without a doubt, the most qualified candidate for the job. Cheers.
