In a development that has surprised absolutely no one with a functioning frontal lobe, thousands of anti-migrant protesters took to the streets of South Africa this week, waving placards, chanting slogans, and generally making a nuisance of themselves while the police stood by looking constipated. The march, which snaked through the streets of Pretoria like a particularly constipated python, was ostensibly to protest the presence of foreign nationals whom the protesters blame for everything from unemployment to the rising cost of pap. But as your faithful correspondent, fuelled by a generous slosh of duty-free gin, will now explain, this is about something far more terrifying: the fact that South Africa's ruling party, the African National Congress (ANC), has the charisma of a wet sock and the problem-solving skills of a concussed meerkat.
Let's be clear: there is nothing new about South Africans blaming foreigners for their problems. This is a proud tradition, passed down from generation to generation, like a family heirloom made of pure racism and economic illiteracy. The current target is, by and large, fellow Africans from Zimbabwe, Nigeria, and Somalia, who have the audacity to work harder than the locals and open businesses that stay open past 5 PM. Shocking behaviour. Uncivilised, even. How dare foreigners offer better services at lower prices? This is an affront to the sacred South African tradition of mediocre service and steep markups.
The police presence was described as 'heavy' by every news outlet that couldn't be bothered to actually count, but from the aerial footage, it looked less like a crackdown and more like a bunch of bored coppers hoping to catch a bit of sun while the mob got on with it. Batons were wielded, warnings were issued. One officer was even seen yawning. But the real show was the speeches: a parade of local politicians and community leaders, each more orange-tinted and ill-fitting in their suits than the last, queuing up to denounce 'illegal foreigners' while carefully ignoring the fact that many of the protesters were themselves descendants of people who arrived in the 19th century and immediately started bossing everyone else around.
The genius of this protest is its sheer pointlessness. Even if every foreign national were magically deported tomorrow, South Africa's unemployment rate would still hover around 30%, the potholes would still swallow minivans whole, and Eskom would still turn the lights off at the most inconvenient times. But try telling that to a man who's just discovered that his neighbour, a Nigerian who works 16-hour shifts selling phone chargers, actually owns a house. The cognitive dissonance is deafening.
Meanwhile, President Cyril Ramaphosa, a man whose leadership style can best be described as 'like that uncle who falls asleep at family gatherings', has issued a statement calling for calm and understanding. Translated from politician-speak: 'Please don't make me deal with this. I have a country to run into the ground.' The ANC, once the glorious standard-bearer of anti-apartheid resistance, now spends its time issuing mealy-mouthed condemnations of xenophobia while doing precisely nothing to address the root causes of the anger: a system that leaves millions without jobs, homes, or hope, while a tiny elite swims in pools of champagne.
But let's not be too harsh. South Africa is a country with a lot on its plate. There's corruption to contend with, a failing education system, and the lingering trauma of a brutal past. If blaming immigrants makes people feel better for five minutes, who are we to judge? It's not like the government has a plan or anything. Actually, scrap that, they probably have a plan. It's just that the plan involves a lot of committee meetings, looting, and then some vague assurances that 'things will get better eventually.'
In conclusion, this march was a masterclass in missing the point. A symphony of scapegoating conducted by leaders who should know better but can't be bothered. And as I drain the last of my gin and stare at a world gone mad, I can only offer this: if you see a foreigner today, buy them a drink. They've earned it, and besides, they probably run a better bar than you could ever dream of.
