A new report has dropped like a lead weight on the nation’s breakfast tables, revealing that a staggering three-quarters of UK workers are sleepwalking into a retirement so impoverished they’ll be forced to choose between heating and a single rich tea biscuit. The damning dossier, penned by a gaggle of actuaries who clearly hate fun, warns that auto-enrolment has become a cruel joke: a one-size-fits-nobody scheme that leaves millions hoarding pennies in the hope of future jam. The government’s response?
A ministerial mumble about ‘fiscal responsibility’ while sipping from a china cup filled with our final salary. Meanwhile, the average worker is expected to survive on a pension pot roughly the size of a postage stamp. At this rate, the only golden years we’ll enjoy are those lying to ourselves about the cost of a tin of beans.
Biff Thistlethwaite, reporting from the edge of a very empty biscuit tin.
