In a scene that could have been lifted from a particularly grim episode of a Swiss crime drama, three individuals were stabbed at a train station in Switzerland yesterday. The suspect, a man whose name is being kept under wraps tighter than a secret fondue recipe, has been arrested. As ever, the UK's counter-terrorism unit is 'monitoring' the situation, which is their polite way of saying they're scrutinising every WhatsApp message and bank transfer in a five-mile radius.
Let us paint you a picture: a Swiss train station, possibly in a city that smells of chocolate and efficiency. Suddenly, chaos. A man with a blade, three victims, a lot of screaming. The suspect, now in custody, is probably wondering what the Swiss prison system is like (hint: it's probably more humane than the average British car park). The UK's counter-terror team, ever vigilant, are probably sipping tea and checking if this bloke has ever so much as looked at a picture of Big Ben. Because that's how it works: a stabbing in Switzerland, and London's finest are on red alert.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we should ignore the possibility of terrorism. But let's be honest: the term 'counter-terror monitoring' has become the bureaucrat's version of a comfort blanket. It means nothing and everything all at once. It's the verbal equivalent of a man standing on a street corner with a sign that says 'I am watching you.' Except the sign is made of spreadsheets and risk assessments.
The victims, we are told, are in hospital. Their conditions are unknown, because the media loves a good mystery, and because doctors are busy saving lives instead of filling in press releases. The suspect's motives are also unknown, but I'd wager my last gin and tonic on it being something depressingly mundane: a personal grievance, a mental health crisis, or just a really bad day. But no, we must immediately assume the worst. Because that's the world we live in: a world where a stabbing in a Swiss train station is instantly a potential terror plot, and where every man with a beard and a backpack is a suspect.
I propose a new rule: before any act of violence is labelled terrorist, we must first rule out the possibility that the perpetrator was just a complete arsehole. Because let's face it, there's a lot of arseholes out there. They don't all need a political agenda. Sometimes, they just want to stab someone. It's a terrible truth, but it's true.
In the meantime, the Swiss police will do their job, the UK counter-terror unit will do their paper-shuffling, and the victims will recover or not. And the rest of us will go about our days, trying not to look suspicious, and hoping that the next big story is about something less depressing, like a cat that can play the violin. But I won't hold my breath.
