In a dramatic turn of events that would make even the most hardened crime novelist blush, South Africa’s top police chief, General Fannie Masemola, narrowly dodged a hail of bullets in what authorities are calling a 'brazen assassination attempt.' The incident occurred on the N4 highway near Rustenburg, where unknown gunmen sprayed the general’s motorcade with automatic fire. Masemola, clearly made of sterner stuff than your average biscuit, emerged unscathed, though his official vehicle now resembles a colander more than a car.
Naturally, this has not gone unnoticed by our plucky British security experts, who have wasted no time in offering their sage counsel. One can almost hear the collective sharpening of pencils in Whitehall as they craft bullet points. 'The key to surviving an assassination attempt,' said one unnamed expert, 'is maintaining a stiff upper lip and a properly brewed cup of Earl Grey.' Another suggested that the South African police force might benefit from a 'more robust approach to queue management.' Because clearly, what South Africa needs right now is advice on how to stand in line for the loo.
The irony is so thick you could spread it on toast. Here is a country grappling with a violent crime rate that would make a Victorian slum blush, and British pundits are offering tips on defensive driving and situational awareness. One almost expects them to recommend a subscription to National Trust pamphlets as a deterrent.
Let us not forget the sheer audacity of the attack: on a major highway, in broad daylight, against the man tasked with keeping the peace. It is a stark reminder that in South Africa, power and peril are constant bedfellows. The general has since returned to duty, presumably with a renewed appreciation for ballistic glass and a slightly frayed nerve.
Meanwhile, the UK’s security establishment is buzzing with activity. 'We must learn from this,' intoned a former MI6 officer, over a glass of sherry no doubt. 'Perhaps a seminar on hostage negotiation? Or proper use of roundabouts?' One can only hope they are more useful in the field than they are in the imagination.
This writer would like to propose a radical alternative: perhaps, just perhaps, South Africa knows its own problems better than a country whose most dangerous animal is a badger with a grudge. Perhaps instead of unsolicited advice, the UK could offer some actual assistance, like the gift of silence. But no, that would be too easy.
In the end, General Masemola survives, the gunmen remain at large, and British experts continue to dispense their pearls of wisdom, which are about as useful as a chocolate teapot. The news cycle moves on, but the absurdity lingers, like the faint smell of cordite and smugness.
