The Rail Accident Investigation Branch, a body of men and women who have seen more twisted metal than a scrapyard after a rave, has declared that the driver of the doomed 06:15 to Paddington treated a red signal as a 'polite advisory' before ploughing into the back of a stationary freight train at 70 miles per hour. The investigation, conducted over cups of cold tea and the quiet sobbing of civil servants, revealed that the signal had been red for precisely 47 seconds before impact. 'It turns out that a red light means stop,' said a clearly shaken RAIB spokesperson, 'but we haven't ruled out the possibility that it was a cunning disguise for a green light, a theory currently being explored by the train driver's union.
' The driver, a man whose career ended with a faceful of dashboard, was heard to remark 'I thought it was more of a suggestion' moments before the collision. The train company, whose slogan is 'We'll Get You There Eventually (Probably Alive),' has defended their driver, saying that red signals are frequently confused with the colour of the company's financial statements. Meanwhile, the government has promised a 'full and thorough inquiry' into the incident, which will likely conclude that more money should be spent on signage, and less on the Prime Minister's haircuts.
Passengers on the train have described the final moments as 'a bit like a rollercoaster, but with more screaming and less safety checks.' In response, the RAIB has demanded an immediate safety overhaul, recommending that all signals be replaced with loud, swearing robots that physically restrain drivers from ignoring them. Critics argue that this would be too expensive, and that a better solution is to simply make the trains go so slowly that they cannot possibly crash, a proposal that has been met with enthusiasm from proponents of the horse-drawn carriage.
