The Treasury has been urged to act following a report warning of a ‘lost generation’ of young people, a problem the government has attempted to solve by insisting they simply haven't been looking hard enough. The report, compiled by a panel of experts who have presumably never tried to pay rent on an internship, identifies a catastrophic shrinking of opportunities for the under-25s. This is a demographic the Chancellor has helpfully suggested should ‘get on their bikes’ to find work, presumably to deliver food for apps that pay less than the cost of the bicycle's upkeep.
A Treasury source, speaking on condition of anonymity lest they be forced to defend the indefensible, admitted the situation is ‘dire’ and might even require something more radical than a strongly worded letter of encouragement. “We're looking at all options,” the source said, “including asking politely, asking slightly more firmly, and finally, blaming their mobile phones.” The government’s strategy for youth employment has so far consisted of a series of poorly attended workshops titled ‘Have You Considered Being Born Earlier?’ and a tax on optimism.
Meanwhile, the opposition has proposed a ‘Green New Deal for Youth’, which would involve planting trees that young people could then shake for money. The plan has been met with cautious optimism from environmentalists, who note that shaking trees is at least more productive than the current system of shaking one's fist at the housing market.
In a related development, a spokesperson for the ‘Generation Rent’ campaign group pointed out that even if young people did find jobs, they wouldn’t be able to afford to live anywhere near them. “It’s a paradox,” they said, “the jobs are in London, but the salaries are in 1994.” The Treasury has responded by suggesting a new scheme: ‘Live in a van, work for Uber, and be grateful for the fresh air’.
The report concludes with a stark warning: unless action is taken, we risk creating a generation of adults who have never known the simple joy of a permanent contract, a pension, or a reason to get out of bed that isn't a gig economy notification. It is believed the Treasury will respond with a white paper, which will then be ignored until the next report, at which point a new panel will be convened to write a newer, slightly more alarming report. This is what is known in Whitehall as ‘cycling through the gears of incompetence’.
