In a move that has left botanists, diplomats, and anyone with a shred of common sense reeling, President Donald J. Trump has ordered emergency repairs to the algae-choked Reflecting Pool on the National Mall, after alleging the verdant scum is ‘definitely a British plot.’ The president, speaking from a hastily assembled podium on the south lawn of the White House (while wearing a magician’s raincoat and clutching a bottle of Evian for safety), declared the pool a ‘national security crisis’ and vowed to ‘drain the swamp, literally.’
‘I’ve seen it with my own eyes,’ Trump said, squinting at the green sludge through his gold-plated bifocals. ‘That algae? It’s not natural. It’s nasty. It’s probably got some kind of Brexit-bacteria or something. Maybe even a little Haribo-infused Commonwealth goo. We’re looking into it.’
Army Corps of Engineers arrived on the scene, scrambled from a routine hedge-trimming exercise at Arlington, and began pumping thousands of gallons of distilled water into the basin, while workers in hazmat suits skimmed the algae with what appeared to be oversized cocktail strainers. ‘We’re taking this very seriously,’ said a spokesperson, wiping his brow. ‘The president believes the algae might be listening. He’s ordered us to use only American-made straws for the siphoning.’
The ‘British vandal’ theory, as it has been breathlessly dubbed by the cable news chyronists, stems from a single, unverified report that a man in a tweed flat cap was seen near the pool at 3 a.m., humming ‘Rule Britannia’ while allegedly sprinkling ‘micro-algae concentrate’ into the water. The suspect, described by witnesses as ‘suspiciously polite’ and ‘carrying an umbrella despite no rain’, remains at large. The FBI has been called in, though sources say they are mostly just making tea and looking at maps of London.
‘This is the most serious attack on American water since British tea was dumped in Boston,’ said Senator Ted Cruz, deadpan. ‘We cannot let the queen’s pond slime invade our capital. Next thing you know, they’ll be sending a bad musical or something.’
Environmental experts, meanwhile, are baffled. ‘Algae blooms are a natural phenomenon caused by warm weather and nutrient runoff,’ said Dr. Elaine Green, a marine biologist from NOAA. ‘It’s not a foreign agent. It’s algae. It just grows.’ When told of the president’s allegations, she sighed and added, ‘I need a drink.’
As news of the ‘Algaegate’ spread, London responded with characteristic bemusement. Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, appearing in a hastily filmed video, denied any involvement, stating, ‘We have no official policy of launching floral attacks on our allies. However, I would like to point out that the lake in St James’s Park is looking particularly lovely this time of year. Just saying.’
The White House has announced a full investigation, with a special commission to determine whether the algae is, in fact, sentient and potentially linked to the Queen’s funeral flowers. In the meantime, Trump has ordered an immediate ban on all British imports of pond-related items, including inflatable swans, water-lilies, and particularly green tea. ‘We will not be taken advantage of by a bunch of limey pond scum,’ he concluded. ‘We will make the Reflecting Pool great again.’
As the sun set on the Mall, a lone duck paddled through the remaining puddle of clean water, looking confused. The president’s motorcade sped past, the windows tinted, probably heading to a golf course that also has a pond. But that pond, sources confirm, is fully American and therefore safe.