In a move that has left even the most hardened political satirists reaching for the smelling salts, President Donald Trump has officially thrown his support behind a missing New Jersey congressman. Yes, you read that correctly. A missing one.
Not a missing vote, not a missing spine, but an actual, physical, where-did-he-go congressman. The gentleman in question, whose name I shall not utter for fear of summoning him like a gremlin after midnight, hasn't been seen since he left for a meeting with a constituent whose name was apparently 'The Void.' Trump, never one to let a little thing like absence of evidence get in the way of a good endorsement, declared the missing man 'a tremendous patriot' and 'a very stable genius' who is 'probably just taking a well-deserved break from all the winning.
' The White House, meanwhile, is in a state of chaos so profound that even the ficus in the Oval Office has tendered its resignation. Sources say the Chief of Staff spent the morning trying to file a missing persons report but was put on hold by the switchboard, which was confused by the request for 'the president's brain.' Across the pond, the UK is monitoring the situation with the kind of detached concern usually reserved for watching a man in a tutu try to ride a unicycle over a cliff.
A Downing Street spokesperson, speaking through a mouthful of McVitie's digestives, assured the public that 'Her Majesty's Government is keeping a watchful eye on American democracy, much as one would watch a toddler with a loaded gun.' It's all so bracing, isn't it? The sheer, unadulterated absurdity of it all.
A nation founded on the principles of enlightenment and reason now run by a man who thinks 'covfefe' is a diplomatic term. And the rest of the world? We're just here for the show, clutching our pearls and our pints, wondering if this is the episode where the Titanic finally sinks or if it's just going to keep hitting icebergs for another four years.
But never fear, dear readers. As long as there is gin in the cupboard and a keyboard within reach, I shall continue to document this descent into madness, one headline at a time. Even if that headline involves a missing politician and the endorsement of a man who probably thinks 'habeas corpus' is a type of yoga.
